Conflict Resolution Training: When Resolving Conflicts, It’s The Little Words That Count

Resolving conflicts is largely a matter of paying attention to the little things, especially the little words. 

Indeed, you may be in conflict because you spend a lot of time
“butting” others rather than “anding” them.

For example, if I say,“I agree with you, but…” what I’m really saying is that I don’t agree with you at all. In fact, I’m suggesting that everything you’ve said prior to the word “but” is wrong.

On the other hand, if I say, “I agree with you and…” I’m suggesting
that what you are saying is true and what I am about to say is
equally true.

Another little word that seems innocuous and can have major
consequences for conflict resolution is the word “because.”  We use
“because” to explain a cause and effect relationship that, to us,
is a rational explanation for the events we observe. Consider that
conflicts occur when we attribute motivations to someone’s actions
and then respond as though our assessments are true while, at the
same time assessing our similar actions differently.

For example:
You are a team leader who is angry at one of your team members who
is late and you just know it is because she is selfish and doesn’t
care about the needs of the team. When you arrive
late for a meeting with your team, you excuse yourself with the
obviously rational explanation that you were late because you were
completing a conversation with another team leader. 

A coworker lets you down again. It’s obviously because he is
unreliable. When you let a coworker down again, it’s obviously because,

as your coworker must certainly know, you’ve been so overworked.

No one will let you into a line of traffic during rush hour. It’s
because other drivers are inconsiderate. When you won’t let other
drivers cut in front of you during rush hour, it's because too many

people have already cut in front of you.

A peer gives your boss a birthday card because he’s angling for a
promotion. When you give your boss a birthday card, it's because, as everyone
knows, you’ve been working together a long time and you really care
about him.

Your direct report asks for a raise and it’s because she doesn’t
understand the economic difficulties the company is experiencing.

When you ask for a raise, it's because you're worth it

since the work you do, as all can see, has a direct impact on the

bottom line of the company.

You don’t give someone feedback because you don’t want to hurt his
feelings. When he doesn’t give you feedback, you’re certain it’s
because he doesn’t want you to succeed.

Your spouse didn’t pick up the dry cleaning because she’s angry at
you. When you didn’t go to the grocery store, it's because, as might happen to anyone, you simply forgot.

The waiter is giving you slow service because he’s incompetent. When you
didn't immediately respond to a request, it was because, as everyone knows,

you are meticulous and you didn’t want to make a mistake.

In all these instances, suppose we substitute “and” for “but?”
Suppose instead of creating a “because” we simply asked? Suppose we
started from empathy rather than blame? Suppose we assumed that
people are just as reasonable as we are, just with different
reasons? Suppose, instead of demanding that people justify their
positions, we accepted their positions without justification?

One of the rules I encourage people to live by is to stop
pretending they know what motivates another person and to simply
ask.

  The goal of conflict resolution is not to change another’s view of
the world (a useless exercise if there ever was one). The goal is
to find a compromise agreement to which all can be committed.

Simply changing “but” to “and” while also asking instead of creating
“because” reasons won’t, of course, resolve a conflict.

Consider, however, that if we start from a different set of
premises than the ones we’re currently using, we will get very
different outcomes.

To See Ourselves As Others See Us

Here’s a riddle:

• ·          There’s something common to every conflict in which we’re involved.          
•       This commonality is with us at all times, but it’s a blind spot that, by definition, we don’t see.
• ·          Sometimes, the people we’re in conflict with will point out our blind spot to us but, when they do, we don’t always pay attention even though discovering this blind spot will assist us in resolving conflicts and improving our relationships.

To solve the riddle, find a mirror and look into it. The blind spot will be as big as the nose on your face as well as your entire face and body (if it’s a full length mirror).

For all of us, the one commonality to every conflict is…us. Have you noticed that regardless of who we’re in conflict with or the issue about which we are in conflict, we’re always there?   

To resolve a conflict, therefore, I suggest you first examine whether there’s anything you’re doing (or not doing) that may be causing the conflict to persist.

In general, however, people do not examine their own behavior first. More commonly, people ask questions like, “How can I get the other person to change? What do I need to say or do that will get the other person to do what I want him/her to do? Why are they being so obstinate and difficult to get along with? Don’t they see that I’m right?

Consider that there is often something you’re doing or not doing that is causing the conflict to persist, but, as noted above, it’s generally a blind spot and, by definition, we’re blind to our blind spots.

So what’s the way out? How can we see a blind spot we’re blind to?

I noted earlier that the people we’re in conflict with will sometimes point out our blind spot to us but, when they do, we don’t always pay attention. If you do decide to pay attention, listen carefully to what the people you’re in conflict with are saying to you. You may hear:

·      You’re being defensive.

·      You don’t listen.

·      Why do you always have to be right?

·      You don’t take me seriously.

·      You’re obstinate

or some other statement of resistance.

As the poet Robert Burns wrote, “O would some power the gift to give us to see ourselves as others see us.” The feedback we receive is the “gift” that allows us to see ourselves as others see us if we will only listen without rebuttal.

I maintain that conflict resolution is easy because, when you hear feedback about yourself, all you have to do is ask, “Why do you say that?” and, once you hear the reason(s) ask, “What would you like me to do about that?” Then, simply choose: Will you do what you are being asked to do or will you not?

I am not at all suggesting that you should always do what people ask of you. “Take it or leave it” can be an appropriate approach. For example, the action being asked of you may violate a moral, legal or ethical position. There may be policies, procedures and/or rules that are not open to change. Some people truly are bullies and they just want to get their way without consideration for your needs.

But before you make this determination, go back to that mirror and have a conversation with yourself. Do you know your blind spot? Have you listened to what the other person is saying without arguing? Is saying “no” a reasoned approach or simply an habitual one that is often your default position?

Maybe, just maybe, you’re the bully.    

Want Better Relationships? Stop Stealing Other’s Stories

Have you read the book, “The Art Of Racing In The Rain?” The book is narrated by Enzo, a dog whose owner dreams of becoming a racecar driver.

Enzo too dreams of being a racecar driver. He wants to be reincarnated as a human because then he would have thumbs and be able to grip a steering wheel (is going from a dog to a human a step down or up?).

At one point, Enzo explains that he would make a good human being because he listens. Since he can’t talk, he listens very well, never making a comment of his own.

Enzo’s advice to human beings is to “Learn to listen! I beg of you. Pretend you are a dog like me and listen to other people rather than steal their stories."

By “steal their stories,” Enzo is suggesting something close to giving up the need to be right and to just listen without trying to change the other person, without giving an opinion and without offering advice (unless asked and perhaps not even then). In other words, listening without letting the desire to look good get in the way.

Some of the flavor of this is contained in an article Jennifer Boylan wrote for the New York Times on August 17^th, 2011 (“All My Old Haunts”).

Boylan writes about her father who, although deceased, would have had an answer to how to bridge the gap between Republicans and Democrats in the recent debt ceiling debate. If the goal is to reduce 4 billion dollars from the budget (a number Boylan uses in her article), he would have had the Republicans be responsible for 2 billion dollars of tax increases and the Democrats responsible for 2 billion dollars through cuts in services and entitlements.

As Boylan suggests her father would have said, “Only when you try to argue your opponents’ point of view does your own begin to make sense.”

Good advice. The next time you’re in a debate, imagine that you have to explain your opponent’s position to a stranger and do it so well that your opponent would agree you’ve been accurate in your explanation. 

This assumes, of course, that you’re not out to steal your opponent’s stories.

And finally, just to be sure we don’t take ourselves too seriously, scientists for the first time say that they have witnessed a black hole swallowing a distant star. The event took place about 3.9 billion years ago in a distant galaxy in the constellation Draco, but radiation from the blast has just reached earth.

Perhaps in the shadow of a star that died 3.9 billion years ago, we can let go of our need to be right.

Transforming Fear Into Excitement

When it comes to dealing with our fears of failing, sticks and stones may break our bones but words will really destroy us.

I broke my leg when I was 17 and it healed before I turned 18. I’ve had no adverse effects from that break.

On the other hand, what we say to ourselves can destroy our ability to achieve our goals and we may believe what we say to ourselves forever.

Imagine, for example, you’re about to pick up the phone and call someone for a date. You may notice that your heart is beating wildly, your palms are sweating and your muscles are tense. This is real fear, you may think.

Or imagine you’re about to talk to a roomful of strangers. Your heart may beat faster, your mouth may feel dry and your palms may sweat. If you could sense it, you might experience your blood pressure increasing, your muscles tensing and your breathing becoming shallow. This is real fear, you may think.

Or is it? Actually, we would experience the same physiological response if we were excited. For example, whether being on a roller coaster is fearful or exciting for us depends on how we label the experience. Two people doing the same activity may have totally different experiences based on what they call their experience.

Recently, a friend told me that he had always wanted to start his own business, but he was afraid of failing. How does he know it’s fear and not excitement?  Consider the possibility that it becomes fear when we label it as such and it’s the labeling that creates the experience, not the other way around.

The other day, I spoke to the Board of a nonprofit organization that was looking for ways to raise half a million dollars when, up until then, they had never raised more than 50,000. In order to do that, the members of the Board were going to have to be a lot bolder in their requests. They were going to have to call people they had never called before and they were going to have to ask those people for more money than they had ever asked before.

However several members of the Board told me (privately. They were afraid to admit so publicly.) that they were afraid to do so. How do they know it’s fear and not excitement? Consider the possibility that it becomes fear when we label it as such and it’s the labeling that creates the experience, not the other way around.

“Fear of failure” is brought into existence when we label what we’re feeling as fear. We call it fear and it is so. After all, “In the beginning was The Word.”

Don’t try to control you fear. That which we resist persists. Don’t try to change your fear. You will never “heal” your fear as you might heal a broken bone. Your fear isn’t real and that’s why you can’t “heal” it.

Give up expecting that, someday, your fear will disappear. Just get into action. Pick up that phone and make the call you’re avoiding. Ask for what you want. Be excited about delivering a presentation.

Conflict Resolution: Is Your Demand To Be Right Destroying Your Relationships?

Emily, a friend of mine, told me that her husband often says to her, “Why do you always have to be right?” Whenever her husband said this, Emily’s thought was always, “Because I am right.”

But Emily had an insight the other day. She said to me, “I realized how wrong I was and my demand to be right was destroying my marriage.”

I experienced this myself recently. I was with a man named Arnie with whom I often disagree. As usual, the more he talked, the more irritated I became as I waited for him to stop talking so that I could point out the errors in his thinking. I stopped listening to Arnie as I listened to myself screaming in my head, “Shut up, Arnie.”

Then I remembered Emily’s insight and I decided to really listen to Arnie as though I had no opinion but only wanted to understand his. I decided to see Arnie as someone who wanted to contribute to me and not as someone who was an obstacle to me getting my way. I paraphrased what he was saying to help me understand his opinions and I asked questions out of curiosity and not to catch a contradiction in his thinking.

As Arnie talked, I began to notice something I had never really noticed before. Certainly, Arnie would have liked for me to agree with him. But even more importantly, it became clear to me that Arnie wanted to be heard and understood. I knew that Arnie’s bluster had turned off many people who had simply stopped listening to him and, in fact, avoided him when they could. I was usually one of those people who only pretended to listen to him. This only made Arnie more determined to get his opinion across which caused me to want to avoid him which caused him to be more forceful. Here was the self fulfilling prophecy in operation.

To my astonishment, after I had been listening for a while, Arnie stopped talking and asked me what I thought. I gave my opinion, not to prove him wrong but simply because he had asked. Even more to my amazement, I began to enjoy being with Arnie and, it was clear to me, he enjoyed being with me. While we didn’t come to an agreement, we saw that we were not that far apart in our opinions and we definitely improved our relationship.

This experience reminded me that when we change our perception, the world around us changes. Or, more accurately, when we change our perception, we see things that were always there that we could never before see.

Perhaps the people in our lives are merely a reflection of who we’re being.

Was Arnie “difficult” because he really was that way or because I was being difficult in resisting what he was saying? Was Emily’s husband upset because she always had to be right or because she never allowed for the possibility of being wrong (or, more accurately, the possibility of both of them being right)?

Perhaps our most intransigent conflicts occur not because the other person is being intransigent, but because we are.

Conflict Resolution Training: Give Up The Need To Be Right and Apologize

Like you, I get a lot of emails. I’m able to delete many of them just by looking at the subject line. However, the other day, I received an email from the company where I order my business cards with the subject line, "Please accept our apology."

I opened the email. In truth, it was just another solicitation, but the word “apology” caught my attention.

Apologies are very powerful. I’ve written about this before and, in response, my friend,

Rick Daussat, wrote to caution me that, “when you apologize to another person, don’t expect or anticipate an apology back. If you do, you are setting yourself up for potential disappointment.”

Rick went on to relate a story of when he apologized to a coworker for something that Rick “still believes was both our faults.” In response, the coworker responded, “Yes, I was disappointed in your actions.” The coworker’s comment angered Rick, but he kept his mouth shut and reminded himself that he was apologizing because it was “the right thing to do and nothing else.”

Rick gave up the need to be right by not expressing his anger and made a huge difference in the relationship.

A man I know has been divorced for 10 years, has two children and argues with his ex wife every time he sees her. He took on giving up the need to be right, called her, apologized and took responsibility for how he had been behaving for the last 10 years.

His ex wife was silent for a long time before responding, “I was prepared to hate you for the rest of my life. What am I going to do now?”

Contrast this with another friend whose son is barely speaking to her. The reason has to do with a disagreement they’ve been having over the son’s daughter (my friend’s granddaughter). Neither will give up being right and simply apologize. When they are in the same room together, they literally avoid looking at each other.

I have told both of them, “Get off it!” If someone doesn’t apologize here, the rest of their lives will be filled with tension and bitterness.  

For the sake of your relationships and your own peace of mind, give up the need to be right and apologize. Give up your need to be right about your anger. Give up your need to be right that other people are wrong. Give up your need to be right that resignation and cynicism are the appropriate responses to conflicts in your world.

Your apology will make a huge contribution towards peace in your world and peace on this planet.   

It's Your Point Of View, It's Not The Truth

If you want a world that works for everyone (and, especially, for you) it’s simple: Stop believing that your point of view is the truth.

In fact, conflict would disappear if people would just get that their point of view is just that: A point from which they view the world. They don’t have to defend this point of view, they don’t have to give up this point of view, they simply have to accept it as a point of view distinct from some inviolate “truth.”

The people who flew those planes into the World Trade Center didn’t think they had a point of view. They believed they had the truth.

The people in Rwanda who committed genocide didn’t think they had a point of view. They believed they had the truth.

The shooter in Tucson, Arizona didn’t think he had a point of view. He believed he had the truth.

I’m using these extreme examples to have you consider this possibility: If you are in a conflict, you don’t think you have a point of view. You believe you have the truth.

The way to distinguish your point of view is to complete this sentence: The world is… or my boyfriend is…or my husband is…or my children are… or my boss is or…

Whether you complete these sentences with “positive” or “negative” words, it’s still just a point of view and not the truth. Your point of view determines the actions you will take. Your point of view determines if you will be loving or hurtful, antagonistic or cooperative, friendly or distant.

For example, consider the possibility that the people in your life who you describe as “difficult,” show up that way because that’s the point of view you hold about them and you hold that as “the truth.” Of course, from their point of view (which they also hold as “the truth,”) you’re the difficult one.

If you have “the truth,” then you must live in a world in which you are right and others are wrong. However, if you will accept that your truth is just your point of view, then the resolution of every conflict in your life becomes possible.