"Can't We All Just Get Along?"

The answer to Rodney King is “Yes,” but it takes a willingness to transcend our ordinary ways of behaving as exemplified by the following story I heard on the NPR program “This American Life” on April 14^th.

John Snid was the founder of Love In Action, an organization dedicated, in his words, to “curing” adult homosexuals. By his own admission, John had been cured of his own homosexuality while hearing God’s voice in Church. Subsequently, John got married.

John also created a ministry called Refuge to cure gay teens. While Love In Action had attracted little opposition, Refuge brought out protesters when one of the teens blogged about his rather unpleasant experiences.

Morgan John Fox was one of the leaders of the protest group that appeared day after day in front of the Love In Action offices, demanding to meet with John Snid.

After weeks of protest, John agreed to meet with Morgan. Both prepared their arguments (Morgan prepared a six page document) and got ready for the anticipated verbal battle between them.

Sitting across from John, Morgan looked down at his notes and, much to his surprise, started saying what he hadn’t planned on saying. He talked about being teased as a child because he was “different” and the disapproval he experienced from his parents, his father in particular. Morgan also talked about the love he experienced after coming out as a gay man and the loving relationships he then developed.

John was moved by Morgan’s unexpected vulnerability and chose not to deliver his prepared 6-page statement.

Morgan ended up attending an open meeting of Love In Action and, as a result of what he learned there, mended his relationship with his father. Morgan emailed John, telling him the difference that meeting had made for him even though he continued to disagree with much of John’s philosophy.

John emailed back and the two began meeting informally at coffee houses and restaurants. Friends of the two men kidded them that there was some kind of romantic attraction but that wasn’t at all the case. They genuinely enjoyed discussing their opposing viewpoints.

John ended up shutting down the teen program, Refuge. In March of 2008, John shut down Love In Action admitting, to many people’s dismay, that he had never met a man who experienced a change from homosexual to heterosexual. This statement got national attention and John was interviewed on “Hardball” with Chris Matthews.

John remains married to this day and refers to himself as gay. There was no comment from John’s wife.

My intention is not to comment on being gay, on the possibility of “curing” homosexuality or on the contradictions inherent in a professed gay man being married to a woman.

Rather, I want to comment on the possibility of living a life in which “Everyone Wins” the game of conflict as the title of my book suggests. It’s possible, but it requires an extraordinary willingness to give up the need to be right and make others wrong.

The goal of conflict resolution is not to change anyone’s opinions or judgments. The goal of conflict resolution is to create agreements to which everyone will commit. This is accomplished through listening for understanding without the intention of changing someone else’s mind. John and Morgan are the exemplars of what I’m referring to.

For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. If argument begets arguing, might listening produce a very different outcome?

You can listen to this story here.