How Do Difficult People Occur To You?

Have you ever said, "It suddenly occurred to me" or "That never occurred to me?" Those statements are exactly correct. We see something we hadn't seen before or something we never thought of before. Reality hasn't changed, but the way we see reality is quite different. As Wayne Dyer has said, "If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change."

Something happened recently that changed the way a person I had thought of as difficult occurred to me and made me realize that "difficult" is in the eye of the beholder.

I've been living next door to John for two years.  I would see him driving away or returning to his home or I'd see him washing his car in his driveway. We'd nod towards one another and, occasionally, add a small wave. In truth, I knew John's name only because a neighbor had told me.

The fact is, I'd been afraid of John ever since I moved in here. I sensed that my neighbors were afraid of him as well. I had been told by several neighbors that he wanted to be left alone. John is a big man in height and weight, with a bald head. That combination of physical characteristics and what I had been told had John occur to me as menacing. I may have occurred to him in the same way. After all, I hadn't exactly been the friendliest of neighbors.

This year, I took over being the "Block Watch Captain" on the block where I live. We have meetings of the homeowners twice a year and my job is to chair those meetings to discuss issues that are important to people who live in the 37 houses on the block. I also distribute the email and phone list for the residents as well as the minutes of our meetings.

There are residents of seven houses who never come to the meetings. Needless to say, I don't have their contact information. One of those residents is John.  I decided that I was going to get that information. I wrote a flyer that asked if they'd like to be included in the phone and email list. I walked down the block to put the flyer in the seven mailboxes.

I had crossed the street and was a few doors down from my house when I saw John's garage door opening. I stood still as though frozen to the spot, considering whether to walk across the street to talk to him. I waited to see if John would drive out of his garage, but no car emerged. Neither did John. I must have stood there for 15 seconds. Then I turned and proceeded up the street, berating myself for my cowardice.

I put the flyer in the mailboxes and turned to come home. I decided that if I got to John's house and he was in his garage, I would talk to him. If his garage door was closed, I'd put the flyer in his mailbox. As I walked, I practiced what I would say.

John was in his garage, with his back towards me. As I had practiced, I smiled broadly and, in as friendly a voice as I could muster said, "John." He turned to face me. I put out my hand and said, "Your neighbor. Larry Barkan."

To my surprise, John shook my hand and smiled back. In fact, he couldn't have been nicer. We talked for at least 15 minutes. He brought me into his yard and showed me his garden. He told me that he was a power lifter and had recently had shoulder surgery. He gave me some pointers about the safe way to lift weights. There had recently been a minor fire in our neighborhood and we talked about it. It occurred to me (another "occurring" that may or not have been true, but "true" has nothing to do with it) that he would continue talking to me as long as I continued to respond.

He told me his name was James, not John. We laughed. I apologized. I had been calling him "John" for all the time we had been talking.

I finally said that I had to go and asked if he would be willing to give me his contact information for our distribution list. Without hesitation he did and even said, "I should come to one of those meetings." I told him I hoped he would.

"We see the world not as it is, but as we are." I've seen this quote attributed variously to Anais Nin, Stephen Covey and the Talmud. In other words, it's an occurring world.  James occurred to me differently after our talk. He was the same James. I was the same Larry. He just occurred differently to me and that made all the difference.

Do you sometimes avoid certain people because you are sure they're difficult to get along with? Perhaps that's only how difficult people occur to us.

If you have any questions, comments or concerns, please write me at ljbarkan@thepivotalfactor.com I'll be happy to respond.

If you'd like a copy of my report "How To Deal With  Difficult People," go to conflictresolutiontraining.net and give me your email address.

My thanks to Landmark Worldwide (landmarkworldwide.com) for insight into the occurring world.