Conflict Resolution: Relationship Advice From Keith Richards

“If I’m in conflict with somebody, it means somebody is in conflict with me.”

       Keith Richards quoted in Rolling Stone magazine, October 28^th, 2010

Leave it to the poster child of sex, drugs and rock and roll to give us an access to improving our relationships. As Richards suggests, consider the possibility that we are in conflict because we never quite get our responsibility for the conflict. In fact, we may not even see that we have any responsibility. Literally not see it.

Consider this tragic story that I heard on National Public Radio the other day: A man drove over some railroad tracks and was killed when he collided with a train he didn’t see. Turns out the man paid no attention to the sound of the screaming train whistle, drove around the gates that had been lowered to block access to the tracks and ignored the flashing warning lights indicating the approaching train.

How did the man miss all these signals? He was texting.

We can feel superior to this man and blame him for his irresponsibility or we can ask: When our relationships turn into “train wrecks,” what are we not seeing and being responsible for?

A friend of mine, a very intelligent and capable woman, continually complains that her boyfriend of three years never makes her feel loved. I point out the obvious (cue train whistle, guard gates and flashing warning signs): She has been complaining about this boyfriend for three years, that I doubt he will ever make her feel loved and that she should find another boyfriend. Rather than agreeing when I say this, my friend makes excuses for her boyfriend’s lack of affection.

We can bemoan this woman’s apparent blindness to the obvious or we can ask what we are not seeing and being responsible for. “What you see is what you get” is more than just a clever saying.

Keith Richards reminds us not to feel superior to anyone because they don’t see what’s obvious to us (isn’t it obvious that texting while driving is a bad idea? Isn’t it obvious that someone who has never made you feel loved isn’t likely to ever do so?). There’s plenty we’re blind to that, I’m sure, is obvious to others.

Perhaps, as Richards notes, we literally don’t see that if we’re in a conflict, the person we’re in the conflict with is also in a conflict. That maybe we are keeping that conflict going and not the other person. That our inability to see the other person’s reality is the reason we’re in conflict and not because of some “irrationality” on their part.

This is why I recommend listening without argument to every piece of feedback you receive about yourself. You may be blind to something that is obvious to others and their feedback may keep you from being hurt in a relationship that can turn into a “train wreck.”