A Story Book Romance Requires Accepting Another's Story

In "Being Wrong," a book about how difficult it can be to admit errors in judgment or belief or perception, the author Kathryn Schulz interviews Raoul Felder, a divorce attorney with a roster of wealthy clients some famous, some not.

Felder notes that during his first meeting with a client he/she invariably tells Felder that he is about to hear a story of marital discord the likes of which Felder has never heard before. Felder nods sympathetically, even as he is thinking that he has heard it all before many, many times.

According to Felder, the story invariably goes something like this: I wish that my (husband/wife) would realize that there are two sides to every story. But because he/she refuses to see that there are two sides to every story, I have to end the relationship.

Of course, as Kathryn Schulz notes, what's left unsaid but implied in this rant is the assertion, "then he/she would realize that I'm right."

Dr. Rachel Naomi Remen, Clinical Professor of Family and Community Medicine at University of California, San Francisco School of Medicine, writes about a woman she knows who, in a few hours, can have people with diametrically opposing positions work together as colleagues. When Dr. Remen asked this woman how she achieves this extraordinary accomplishment, the woman responded, “Simple. You just change the story they are holding about themselves and each other.” (check out Dr. Remen's complete article here)

Consider a relationship you have that is going well or one that is not. Why is that relationship going well or poorly? Your answer to that question is the story you tell and it's the story that determines the quality of that relationship.

For example:

Is your boss unreasonable in his demands (your story), or interested in excellence (his story)?         

Does a friend avoid giving you her opinion because she doesn't care (your story), or because she's concerned about hurting your feelings (her story)?

        

Did your spouse not pick up the dry cleaning because he is getting back at you for something (your story), or did he legitimately forget (his story)?

Does your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife still communicate with someone from a former relationship because he/she simply wants to remain on good terms (his/her story) or because he/she is not fully committed to you (your story)?  

        

Sometimes there are two sides to a story and sometimes there aren't but there are definitely always two stories. A storybook romance or any great relationship requires the acceptance of the other's story.