Conflict Resolution Training: When Is ‘Take It Or Leave It’ The Right Strategy?

I received a question the other day from someone who asked when it was appropriate to tell someone “take it or leave it” versus utilizing a “win-win” conflict resolution strategy. “Shouldn’t all conflicts be negotiated to the benefit of all who are involved?” this person asked.

It is always my desire to resolve conflicts so that everyone wins. But sometimes, it is completely appropriate to just tell someone they must do something or stop doing something and the decision to do so is fairly simple: When adults act like children, take it or leave it is the right choice.

I came to this insight from an unlikely source, US Magazine.

In the September 21^st, 2009 issue, there’s a story about Arcadian Broad, a 13-year old contestant on the television show, America’s Got Talent.

In case you don’t know, contestants on the show demonstrate their talent and are critiqued by a panel of judges. One of the judges, Piers Morgan, criticized Adrian’s dance performance. Adrian complained to the magazine reporters that he didn’t do well because the dance routine he performed was not of his choosing and that the show’s producers had forced him to perform the routine.

Mr. Morgan disagreed saying that the producers work with the performers to help them do well but never force a performer to do anything he/she doesn’t want to do.

Sharon Osbourne, another judge, supported Mr.Morgan saying, "It was typical young person stuff. When you get upset, you say, "You made me."

It occurred to me that “take it or leave it” is appropriate when you’re dealing with “young person’s stuff” and it’s found among adults acting like children.

For example, I heard the other day of medical technicians in dialysis centers who complained about their nursing supervisors to the patients being dialyzed saying, “I got written up” and “They just don’t like me” and “It’s not my fault.”

Complaining to patients is totally inappropriate, but it’s what a 13-year old would do instead of talking directly to the supervisor and working out the conflict. These technicians need to be told to stop it, “take it or leave it.”

I heard of sales representatives who complained to other sales reps that the reason their sales are poor is because their sales managers gave them “lousy sales territories” or “play favorites” or “don’t listen to me.”

Complaining to other sales representatives rather than talking directly to one’s sales manager and working out the conflict is what a 13-year old would do. These sales representatives need to be told to stop it, “take it or leave it.”

Sometimes, of course, it’s true that the supervisors and sales managers “don’t like me” or “play favorites.” But even then, an adult would have a conversation. A 13-year old would sulk.

So take it or leave it is appropriate when adults are acting like children. You wouldn’t expect a 13 year old to take responsibility for his or her behavior. An adult has to step in and reinforce the rules.