Resolving Conflicts: Lessons From A Black Belt In Akido

Imagine you are an astronaut who lands on a far away planet and encounters a being from that planet. What would you do? Pull out your ray gun and shoot? Fall flat on your face and beg for your life? Or would you try to find a way to communicate and build a relationship?

The analogy is not far fetched. When we are in a relationship at work or at home and the relationship is not going well, it’s almost as though the other person was a being from another planet with whom we just can’t communicate.

In that case, we have the same choices as that imagined astronaut: We may try to overpower the other person with our anger. We may grow passive and pout. Or we may try to find a way to communicate that will restore the relationship.

 This analogy came to mind while reading something from Judy Ringer who brings a unique perspective to the world of conflict and communication. Judy is the author of Unlikely Teachers: Finding the Hidden Gifts in Daily Conflict. She teaches conflict and communication workshops throughout the United States and Canada based on mind/body principles from the martial art aikido, in which she holds a second degree black belt.

Judy suggests that, if you want a great relationship, “Pretend you’re entertaining a visitor from another planet, and find out how things look on that planet, how certain events affect the other person, and what the values and priorities are there. If your partner really was from another planet, you’d be watching his body language and listening for unspoken energy as well. What does he really want? What is he not saying?”

What a brilliant mind set to use to improve our relationships! At heart, conflicts remain unresolved because people have different perceptions of the world and one person wants to convince the other that his perception is the right one. It’s as though both people were on different planets. However, a person’s perception is only “right” on his planet. John Gray captured some of this in his book “Men Are from Mars, Women Are From Venus.”

So how do we reconcile these seemingly irreconcilable differences? Here are 6 steps to do so:

1.   To be blunt, shut up, listen and observe. As Kathryn Schulz notes in her book, Being Wrong, “The only way to engage with the possibility that we could be wrong is to stop obsessively defending ourselves.”

Consider the possibility that if people are defensive around you, you’re giving them reason to think there’s something they need to defend.

If you do nothing else, listen to understand. This one act alone will improve the relationship.

2.   If you must speak, limit your words to paraphrases of what you’re hearing to be sure you understand this person from another planet.

3.   Once you have communicated that you fully understand the other person, you have gained permission to explain your position. If the other person resists your explanation, don’t push it. The harder you push, the more resistance you’ll encounter. I’m sure the black belt in aikido Judy Ringer would agree.

Additionally, resistance is a sign that you haven’t fully listened to all the other person has to say.

4.   Ask the other person how he/she would suggest resolving the differences between you.

5.   Make your own suggestions, not from the perspective of being right but from the perspective of wanting to live peacefully on the same planet with the other person. Brainstorm, don’t dictate.

6.   Whatever agreement you come to, live it with integrity which means stick to the agreement even if you wake up the next morning thinking and feeling that you don’t want to. Change the agreement only with the consent of the other person.

Follow these steps and you and the people you’re in relationship with will find yourselves amicably inhabiting the same planet.

Find out more about the sensational Judy Ringer by clicking here.