How To Handle An Unreasonable Person Who Won't Listen

I received an email from a person who asked, "What do you do when you are trying to listen and understand and work things out but the other person never listens or tries to find a reasonable compromise?"

I've written in the past about how to arrive at agreements to which people are committed and not just compliant. In this case, I'll take the writer at his word that the other person truly "never listens or tries to find a reasonable compromise" and offer four alternatives for resolving this dilemma:

1. Leave the relationship.

If, in fact, you are really "trying to listen and understand" but the other person truly "never listens or tries to find a reasonable compromise," give up. You will never get what you want from this person so there's no point in trying. This is called "take it or leave it" where the other person is forcing you into either accepting her behavior or leaving the relationship. So leave.

2. Stick around because the good outweighs the bad

In this case,  you're willing to stick around for the good and live with the bad. For example, the unreasonable person might be your boss and you need the job. Or, the unreasonable person may be your spouse and you want to stay for the good of the children or because, on the whole, there are more good days than bad. Decide to accept the person's behavior for a greater good. Stay in the relationship and recognize that this is your choice. No one is forcing you to stay so give up being upset.

3. Stick around because you hope the person never changes.

Not only do you stick around hoping the person never changes, but you might be disappointed if he/she does change.This is not at all obvious so you really do have to be a good listener and hear me out.

Consider the possibility (and I know this is difficult to accept) that you don't really want to get along with this unreasonable person.  After all, if this person doesn't change then you get a huge payoff. You get to be right and you get to make the other person wrong.

Don't belittle this payoff. It's huge for human beings. As long as the other person doesn't change, you are justified in gossiping about him, belittling him and complaining about him. You can continue to think of yourself as a "good guy" because, after all, "he/she" has "forced" you to be this way. You don't have to take any responsibility for the relationship because the "blame" is all on the other side.

The way to know if this is the case for you is to notice if you gossip and complain about this person but stay in the relationship. If things are really that bad, why do you stay? You must be getting some kind of payoff. As noted, a huge payoff is that you get to think of yourself as right and, perhaps, righteous.

4. Question whether you are truly listening and trying to understand.

This requires some soul searching. If you are not really listening but only waiting for the other person to stop talking so that you can explain why you are right, then it's no wonder the other person doesn't seem to want to work things out. You obviously don't either at least from the other person's perspective.

I'm sure you can tell from these four suggestions that I'm a proponent of the school that says you can't control another person's behavior. You can only control yourself.

Surprisingly, it often happens that when you change, so does the other person. Could it be that the unreasonable person is being unreasonable because of something you're doing that causes him to think it's the only way to get his/her needs met?

Handling Difficult People: Who Are The "Horn Honkers" In Your Life?

"Imagining what it is like to be someone other than yourself is at the core of our humanity. It is the essence of compassion, and it is the beginning of morality."

Ian McEwan

I suggest it's also the beginning of dealing with the difficult people in our lives. Let me give you an example.

A few weeks ago, I flew into Milwaukee, Wisconsin on my way to give a talk on conflict resolution in Madison. The talk was on Saturday and I had flown in Friday afternoon. I rented a car and settled in for the 90 mile drive to Madison.

There was the usual Friday afternoon rush hour traffic and I spent the next hour crawling along. At some point, I had to go to the bathroom. I saw a hotel marquee and exited the freeway. There  was a long, winding exit ramp at the end of which was a sign that read, "Cars exiting do not have to stop." I stopped. To my left, I saw a long line of cars rushing by doing at least 40 miles per hour. If I kept going, I would crash directly into one or more of those cars.

I sat there for about five seconds considering what to do. The drivers behind me started honking their horns, loudly and repeatedly. I looked in the rearview mirror and saw  about five cars stopped behind me. I could see more cars exiting to join this lineup.
I was immediately angry. Are those people nuts? If I proceeded forward, I was going to create a horrible accident. I was nervous and frightened. I considered pulling over on the shoulder to think things over.

Suddenly, I saw what I hadn't noticed before. There was a separate lane for cars exiting the freeway. The sign was correct. I didn't have to stop.

I accelerated into this exit lane and drove into the hotel parking lot.

Coming out of the hotel, as I was about to start my car and get back on the freeway, I reflected on what had happened. I  reminded myself that I was on my way to give a talk on handling conflict. In my talk, I was going to suggest that my audience put themselves in the shoes of the difficult people they are in conflict with and see the world from their point of view. I decided I'd better practice what I preach.

I imagined being those horn honkers: It's Friday afternoon, the end of the workday and the beginning of the weekend. All I want to do is get to wherever I'm going so I can begin enjoying myself. But I can't because some idiot is preventing me from doing so. Exiting cars don't have to stop. Why is that dummy not doing what the sign says? Can't he read?
I realized that if I were one of those people, I would have been on my horn or, at least, been impatiently fuming.

If I could have, I would have gone back to each of those drivers and apologized.

Dealing With The "Horn Honkers" In Your Life

Who are the "honking drivers" in your life? To them, you're the idiot who is in their way.  From their point of view, you're being difficult, not them. Can't you see how wrong you are? Why won't you just get out of the way?

If you want a difficult person in your life to stop being difficult, pretend you're an anthropologist studying an alien culture. Why is that  person so upset? Could it be because they want something and you're in the way?

Take a breath and ask the difficult person, "Why are you upset?" (or words to that affect). See life from the difficult person's point of view. This may be hard to do with someone who is being difficult, but they are being difficult for a reason.
When the difficult person tells you why he is upset, commiserate. Paraphrase what s/he tells you to make sure s/he knows you're listening. Keep paraphrasing until s/he calms down. Don't just say, "I understand."  Don't argue. You can't tell a "car honker" they're wrong. They can't hear you over the noise of their horn.

When the difficult person has calmed down (and s/he will after you paraphrase), ask the person what you must do to improve the situation. And here's the hard part: Do what s/he tells you to do if you are able.

Yes, like me, you may be angry at the "car honkers" in your life. And it may feel satisfying to honk your horn in return. But if you really want the difficult person to stop honking, you'll have to bite the bullet and give up being right and making s/he wrong.

It's not the only way to solve the problem. But it works.

If you have any questions, comments or concerns about any part of this, please write me at ljbarkan@thepivotalfactor.com I'll be happy to respond.

If you'd like a copy of my report "10 Tips For Resolving Conflicts With Difficult People," go to conflictresolutiontraining.net and subscribe to my newsletter.