Want To Be Free From Difficult, Stubborn, Arrogant and Opinionated People? Forgive Them

Janis Joplin sang, "Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose." Freedom's also just another word for forgiveness.

It takes so much courage to forgive the difficult people in our lives. Yet until we forgive, we can never put the past completely behind us and create a future free from the constraints of the past.

One reason I think it's so hard to forgive is because we confuse forgiveness with condoning what was done to us. They're not the same.

Two recent movies have reminded me of the courage it takes to forgive and the freedom that becomes available when we do. Both movies are based on true events.

"The Railway Man" is the story of Eric Lomax, a British engineer fighting in Singapore during World War II. His unit is captured by the Japanese and taken to Thailand where they are forced into slave labor to build the Thai-Burma railroad.  Lomax is tortured. His forearms are smashed and he is repeatedly waterboarded.

Lomax survives, but he is haunted by what happened to him. He suffers what today we would call post traumatic stress disorder, repeatedly reliving the torture.

In 1980, Lomax discovers that Takashi Nagase, one of his torturers, is alive in Japan. Lomax tracks him down with the intent of killing him. Instead, he realizes that  the war will never truly end for him until he forgives his tormentor.  Lomax does so.  The scene where he and Nagase embrace is unbelievably moving.

Here's a video of the real Lomax and the real Nagase:

In "Philomena," the teenage Philomena Lee becomes pregnant and is sent by her father to live in an Abbey where she is held in virtual servitude. The nuns force her to give up her son for adoption.

As an adult, Philomena searches for her son. She is joined by a newspaper man thinking this would make a great story.

Philomena discovers that her son, renamed Michael by the American family that adopted him, died of AIDS at the age of 43. Knowing he was dying, Michael visited the Abbey to search for his birth mother. The nuns knew where Philomena was, but refused to let her son know. They had also refused to let Philomena know that her son was looking for her. Michael died thinking Philomena was uninterested in finding him.

When the truth is uncovered, the newspaper man is outraged and shouts curses at the nuns. He expects Philomena to do the same. But in an extraordinary act of generosity and courage,  Philomena forgives the nuns, saying that she doesn't want to live her life full of hate. She knows that, like Eric Lomax, her suffering will never end unless she forgives.

It takes so much courage to let go of the past hurts done to us. The movie examples are of people who were tortured and lied to. But our daily interactions with difficult people are much more mundane: The person who treats us like we don't exist at meetings or talks over us.  The person who butts in front of us in line without apology. The person who tailgates us because we won't drive faster. The person who criticizes us without regard for our feelings. The person who calls us stupid or lazy or some name that hurts. The person who is arrogant or stubborn or opinionated or, in short, difficult to get along with. Sometimes we hold on to these daily slights for years.

I remember meeting a man who had spent years blaming his ex wife for their divorce. One day, having had no contact with her since the divorce, he called her. When she answered, he apologized for blaming her. He took responsibility for the divorce. Not 50% of the responsibility. 100%. He told his ex wife that he was genuinely sorry.

When he was done speaking, there was a long pause. Finally,  his ex wife said to him (and this is a quote. It was such a surprising comment that I wrote it down), "I was prepared to hate you for the rest of my life. What am I going to do now?"

A great question. A hole is left when we give up resentment. What are we going to do now? I think the answer is that now we can be free and powerful. Now we can create a future free from the past that was holding us back. Now we are free to be extraordinary.

Handling Difficult People: Who Are The "Horn Honkers" In Your Life?

"Imagining what it is like to be someone other than yourself is at the core of our humanity. It is the essence of compassion, and it is the beginning of morality."

Ian McEwan

I suggest it's also the beginning of dealing with the difficult people in our lives. Let me give you an example.

A few weeks ago, I flew into Milwaukee, Wisconsin on my way to give a talk on conflict resolution in Madison. The talk was on Saturday and I had flown in Friday afternoon. I rented a car and settled in for the 90 mile drive to Madison.

There was the usual Friday afternoon rush hour traffic and I spent the next hour crawling along. At some point, I had to go to the bathroom. I saw a hotel marquee and exited the freeway. There  was a long, winding exit ramp at the end of which was a sign that read, "Cars exiting do not have to stop." I stopped. To my left, I saw a long line of cars rushing by doing at least 40 miles per hour. If I kept going, I would crash directly into one or more of those cars.

I sat there for about five seconds considering what to do. The drivers behind me started honking their horns, loudly and repeatedly. I looked in the rearview mirror and saw  about five cars stopped behind me. I could see more cars exiting to join this lineup.
I was immediately angry. Are those people nuts? If I proceeded forward, I was going to create a horrible accident. I was nervous and frightened. I considered pulling over on the shoulder to think things over.

Suddenly, I saw what I hadn't noticed before. There was a separate lane for cars exiting the freeway. The sign was correct. I didn't have to stop.

I accelerated into this exit lane and drove into the hotel parking lot.

Coming out of the hotel, as I was about to start my car and get back on the freeway, I reflected on what had happened. I  reminded myself that I was on my way to give a talk on handling conflict. In my talk, I was going to suggest that my audience put themselves in the shoes of the difficult people they are in conflict with and see the world from their point of view. I decided I'd better practice what I preach.

I imagined being those horn honkers: It's Friday afternoon, the end of the workday and the beginning of the weekend. All I want to do is get to wherever I'm going so I can begin enjoying myself. But I can't because some idiot is preventing me from doing so. Exiting cars don't have to stop. Why is that dummy not doing what the sign says? Can't he read?
I realized that if I were one of those people, I would have been on my horn or, at least, been impatiently fuming.

If I could have, I would have gone back to each of those drivers and apologized.

Dealing With The "Horn Honkers" In Your Life

Who are the "honking drivers" in your life? To them, you're the idiot who is in their way.  From their point of view, you're being difficult, not them. Can't you see how wrong you are? Why won't you just get out of the way?

If you want a difficult person in your life to stop being difficult, pretend you're an anthropologist studying an alien culture. Why is that  person so upset? Could it be because they want something and you're in the way?

Take a breath and ask the difficult person, "Why are you upset?" (or words to that affect). See life from the difficult person's point of view. This may be hard to do with someone who is being difficult, but they are being difficult for a reason.
When the difficult person tells you why he is upset, commiserate. Paraphrase what s/he tells you to make sure s/he knows you're listening. Keep paraphrasing until s/he calms down. Don't just say, "I understand."  Don't argue. You can't tell a "car honker" they're wrong. They can't hear you over the noise of their horn.

When the difficult person has calmed down (and s/he will after you paraphrase), ask the person what you must do to improve the situation. And here's the hard part: Do what s/he tells you to do if you are able.

Yes, like me, you may be angry at the "car honkers" in your life. And it may feel satisfying to honk your horn in return. But if you really want the difficult person to stop honking, you'll have to bite the bullet and give up being right and making s/he wrong.

It's not the only way to solve the problem. But it works.

If you have any questions, comments or concerns about any part of this, please write me at ljbarkan@thepivotalfactor.com I'll be happy to respond.

If you'd like a copy of my report "10 Tips For Resolving Conflicts With Difficult People," go to conflictresolutiontraining.net and subscribe to my newsletter.