How To Handle An Unreasonable Person Who Won't Listen

I received an email from a person who asked, "What do you do when you are trying to listen and understand and work things out but the other person never listens or tries to find a reasonable compromise?"

I've written in the past about how to arrive at agreements to which people are committed and not just compliant. In this case, I'll take the writer at his word that the other person truly "never listens or tries to find a reasonable compromise" and offer four alternatives for resolving this dilemma:

1. Leave the relationship.

If, in fact, you are really "trying to listen and understand" but the other person truly "never listens or tries to find a reasonable compromise," give up. You will never get what you want from this person so there's no point in trying. This is called "take it or leave it" where the other person is forcing you into either accepting her behavior or leaving the relationship. So leave.

2. Stick around because the good outweighs the bad

In this case,  you're willing to stick around for the good and live with the bad. For example, the unreasonable person might be your boss and you need the job. Or, the unreasonable person may be your spouse and you want to stay for the good of the children or because, on the whole, there are more good days than bad. Decide to accept the person's behavior for a greater good. Stay in the relationship and recognize that this is your choice. No one is forcing you to stay so give up being upset.

3. Stick around because you hope the person never changes.

Not only do you stick around hoping the person never changes, but you might be disappointed if he/she does change.This is not at all obvious so you really do have to be a good listener and hear me out.

Consider the possibility (and I know this is difficult to accept) that you don't really want to get along with this unreasonable person.  After all, if this person doesn't change then you get a huge payoff. You get to be right and you get to make the other person wrong.

Don't belittle this payoff. It's huge for human beings. As long as the other person doesn't change, you are justified in gossiping about him, belittling him and complaining about him. You can continue to think of yourself as a "good guy" because, after all, "he/she" has "forced" you to be this way. You don't have to take any responsibility for the relationship because the "blame" is all on the other side.

The way to know if this is the case for you is to notice if you gossip and complain about this person but stay in the relationship. If things are really that bad, why do you stay? You must be getting some kind of payoff. As noted, a huge payoff is that you get to think of yourself as right and, perhaps, righteous.

4. Question whether you are truly listening and trying to understand.

This requires some soul searching. If you are not really listening but only waiting for the other person to stop talking so that you can explain why you are right, then it's no wonder the other person doesn't seem to want to work things out. You obviously don't either at least from the other person's perspective.

I'm sure you can tell from these four suggestions that I'm a proponent of the school that says you can't control another person's behavior. You can only control yourself.

Surprisingly, it often happens that when you change, so does the other person. Could it be that the unreasonable person is being unreasonable because of something you're doing that causes him to think it's the only way to get his/her needs met?

How To Cope With An Opinionated Partner

I know something about coping with an opinionated partner. My wife is married to one. Interestingly, so am I. Funny how that works out.

The first thing to note about coping with an opinionated partner is that you're in partnership, whether it's a romantic relationship or a business relationship. This is important because you have leverage in the relationship. You and your partner want to be in partnership. If that isn't the case (or if you realize you don't want to continue the partnership), stop reading. The partnership is over.

Whether you're in a romantic relationship or a business relationship with your opinionated partner, coping is not a problem. Simply allow your partner to have his opinions and for you to have yours. Problem solved.

Of course, this doesn't solve the problem at all and for one very good reason: Whether you want to admit it or not, you're every bit as opinionated as your partner. And the two of you want the other person to agree that your opinions are the correct ones. It seems like one of you will have to give in to resolve this stalemate.

But you don't have to give in. Here are suggestions for coping with an opinionated partner:

1. Accept that to be human is to be opinionated and to want your opinions to be accepted as the correct ones. Let me amend that because my dog is loaded with opinions about where she should walk, poop and whose food she should eat (usually mine). Perhaps to be alive is to opinionated. It can't be any other way.

2. Give up being right about your opinions. Don't try to give up your opinions. That is impossible. Rather, simply recognize that your opinions (and your partner's) are not the truth. If you're attached to your opinions being the truth, you're going to have a terrible time coping with your partner who believes her opinions are the truth (don't tell her. It will only make her mad).

3. Your objective in coping is to arrive at an agreement for how you and your partner will behave with one another to which both of you are committed. Your objective is  not to change your partner's opinions (unless they are so opposed to your own that the partnership needs to be dissolved. For example, I couldn't live with someone who is unkind to animals). Trying to change your partner's opinions is pointless. In fact, the harder you try to change your partner's opinions, the more he will resist. Again, consider the dog. The more you pull on the leash, the harder he fights. Realize that a partnership depends on different opinions. A marriage is boring if the partners agree on everything. A business relationship will falter if the creativity offered by different opinions is absent.

4. Don't argue, listen. This is a corollary to #1. Don't for a moment think that being reasonable will make the slightest difference. Providing reasons why your partner is wrong will only result in your partner giving her opinions as to why your reasons are wrong.

5. Do not listen silently. Rather, paraphrase whatever your partner is saying to his satisfaction. In other words, paraphrase and conclude by asking your partner, "Is that right?" (that is, "Did I understand you correctly?"). Continue paraphrasing until your partner has exhausted his opinions. This may take some time. Be patient. Your partner has been opinionated his whole life.

You will be out of conflicts faster and to the greater satisfaction of you and your partner if you follow my advice in this Step. Have you noticed how exhausting it can be to push against a brick wall? Eventually, you just give up. Paraphrasing is the "brick wall." You're not pushing back so you're not exhausting yourself. Your partner is.

6. When your partner has exhausted his opinions say, "All of your opinions are valid." If you're so moved, you could say, "Your opinions are absolutely right." This will completely astonish your partner. Notice: You haven't said you agree and if your partner says, "Thanks for agreeing with me," you must say, "I didn't say I agree. I simply said all your opinions are valid." The only way for your partner to counter that would be to say, "No. My opinions are all wrong."

7. Say, "I want to tell you how grateful I am for all you've done in the partnership." Give examples and be sincere.  The things you don't like will be obvious and are probably the reasons why you're having trouble coping in the first place. Disarm your partner by fighting unfairly: Love them for who they are and what they've done. In other words, don't fight at all.

8. Say to your partner, "Here's what I want in the relationship." Be specific. Than ask, "Will you give (what I'm asking) to me?"

9. Accept what your partner agrees to do and consider if you're willing to live with what your partner won't do. If you can't get your major needs met in the partnership, there's no point in trying to cope. It's time to move on.

Want To Be Free From Difficult, Stubborn, Arrogant and Opinionated People? Forgive Them

Janis Joplin sang, "Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose." Freedom's also just another word for forgiveness.

It takes so much courage to forgive the difficult people in our lives. Yet until we forgive, we can never put the past completely behind us and create a future free from the constraints of the past.

One reason I think it's so hard to forgive is because we confuse forgiveness with condoning what was done to us. They're not the same.

Two recent movies have reminded me of the courage it takes to forgive and the freedom that becomes available when we do. Both movies are based on true events.

"The Railway Man" is the story of Eric Lomax, a British engineer fighting in Singapore during World War II. His unit is captured by the Japanese and taken to Thailand where they are forced into slave labor to build the Thai-Burma railroad.  Lomax is tortured. His forearms are smashed and he is repeatedly waterboarded.

Lomax survives, but he is haunted by what happened to him. He suffers what today we would call post traumatic stress disorder, repeatedly reliving the torture.

In 1980, Lomax discovers that Takashi Nagase, one of his torturers, is alive in Japan. Lomax tracks him down with the intent of killing him. Instead, he realizes that  the war will never truly end for him until he forgives his tormentor.  Lomax does so.  The scene where he and Nagase embrace is unbelievably moving.

Here's a video of the real Lomax and the real Nagase:

In "Philomena," the teenage Philomena Lee becomes pregnant and is sent by her father to live in an Abbey where she is held in virtual servitude. The nuns force her to give up her son for adoption.

As an adult, Philomena searches for her son. She is joined by a newspaper man thinking this would make a great story.

Philomena discovers that her son, renamed Michael by the American family that adopted him, died of AIDS at the age of 43. Knowing he was dying, Michael visited the Abbey to search for his birth mother. The nuns knew where Philomena was, but refused to let her son know. They had also refused to let Philomena know that her son was looking for her. Michael died thinking Philomena was uninterested in finding him.

When the truth is uncovered, the newspaper man is outraged and shouts curses at the nuns. He expects Philomena to do the same. But in an extraordinary act of generosity and courage,  Philomena forgives the nuns, saying that she doesn't want to live her life full of hate. She knows that, like Eric Lomax, her suffering will never end unless she forgives.

It takes so much courage to let go of the past hurts done to us. The movie examples are of people who were tortured and lied to. But our daily interactions with difficult people are much more mundane: The person who treats us like we don't exist at meetings or talks over us.  The person who butts in front of us in line without apology. The person who tailgates us because we won't drive faster. The person who criticizes us without regard for our feelings. The person who calls us stupid or lazy or some name that hurts. The person who is arrogant or stubborn or opinionated or, in short, difficult to get along with. Sometimes we hold on to these daily slights for years.

I remember meeting a man who had spent years blaming his ex wife for their divorce. One day, having had no contact with her since the divorce, he called her. When she answered, he apologized for blaming her. He took responsibility for the divorce. Not 50% of the responsibility. 100%. He told his ex wife that he was genuinely sorry.

When he was done speaking, there was a long pause. Finally,  his ex wife said to him (and this is a quote. It was such a surprising comment that I wrote it down), "I was prepared to hate you for the rest of my life. What am I going to do now?"

A great question. A hole is left when we give up resentment. What are we going to do now? I think the answer is that now we can be free and powerful. Now we can create a future free from the past that was holding us back. Now we are free to be extraordinary.