The Courage To Ask Questions

"We make all sorts of assumptions because we don't have the courage to ask questions."

Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements:  A Practical Guide To Personal Freedom

Have you ever noticed that a 2-hour movie would be over in 10 minutes if one character simply turned to another and asked, "So. Why are you upset?" Instead, we get two hours of guessing, recriminations, gossip and heartbreak before the final reel when the two characters realize that their assumptions were faulty and fall into one another's arms as the credits roll.

The same thing happens in real life. Instead of asking why someone appears angry, we make assumptions (that is, we guess) as to why he might be angry. Instead of asking why a phone call wasn't returned, we make assumptions like, "I must not be important" or "She doesn't like me."  Instead of asking why someone appears to be scowling, we attempt to "read" the body language behind the apparent scowl and assume that we've done something to upset him.

We spend endless hours conjecturing with friends as to why someone didn't smile at us or why our email wasn't answered or why we were told "no" when we expected a "yes" instead of simply asking the person whom we feel offended by, "why didn't you do (what I expected)?"

Silence isn't golden.  Unless we ask why a person did or did not do something, we are left only with our guesses and our imagination. And these guesses and imaginings can damage our relationships.

Here's a real life example that had a happy ending 55 years later than would have occurred had one person simply asked, "So. How did you like the flowers?"

The story is told in the book (although not in the television movie based on the book), "Masters Of Sex," the story of William Masters and Virginia Johnson who became famous and infamous for their sex research during the last decades of the 20th century.

In 1937, when he was 22 years old, Bill Masters fell deeply in love with Geraldine Oliver whom he called Dody.

At one point in their courtship, Dody was hospitalized near her home  in Buffalo, New York. Bill was attending medical school in Rochester and, as soon as he heard the news, drove all night to be beside Dody.

Unfortunately, when he arrived at the hospital, Bill was told that he couldn't see Dody because she was recuperating and couldn't be disturbed. Bill left to drive back to school, but first left flowers and a note with the night nurse with instructions to please be sure and give them to Dody as soon as possible. The flowers were an elaborate and expensive assortment and Bill had gone to considerable trouble to get them.

Weeks later, Bill returned to Buffalo to see Dody after she had left the hospital. Dody seemed distracted and responded perfunctorily to conversation. Bill was dying to ask why she was being stand offish and how she liked the flowers, but never did. Assuming Dody had lost interest in him during her hospitalization and subsequent convalescence, Bill and Dody drifted apart.

Over the next 55 years, Bill got married, had two children and divorced after 28 years to marry his sex researcher partner, Virginia Johnson to whom he was married for 22 years.

In 1991, at the age of 76, Masters asked Johnson for a divorce so that he could marry the love of his life. He had run into Dody completely by accident. Neither had been looking for the other. Dody had herself been married, divorced and widowed from a second marriage.

55 years after the fact, Bill Masters found out that the night nurse had never given Dody the flowers and he never asked about it. Dody had assumed it was Bill who had lost interest and her silence was her way of communicating her hurt.

It took 55 years for Dody and Bill to be reunited, something that could have happened 55 years earlier, had he simply asked, "So. How did you like the flowers?" or she had simply asked, "Why did you ignore me when I was in the hospital?"

It takes courage to ask questions. But life is short and it saves a lot of time and grief.

Want To Be Free From Difficult, Stubborn, Arrogant and Opinionated People? Forgive Them

Janis Joplin sang, "Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose." Freedom's also just another word for forgiveness.

It takes so much courage to forgive the difficult people in our lives. Yet until we forgive, we can never put the past completely behind us and create a future free from the constraints of the past.

One reason I think it's so hard to forgive is because we confuse forgiveness with condoning what was done to us. They're not the same.

Two recent movies have reminded me of the courage it takes to forgive and the freedom that becomes available when we do. Both movies are based on true events.

"The Railway Man" is the story of Eric Lomax, a British engineer fighting in Singapore during World War II. His unit is captured by the Japanese and taken to Thailand where they are forced into slave labor to build the Thai-Burma railroad.  Lomax is tortured. His forearms are smashed and he is repeatedly waterboarded.

Lomax survives, but he is haunted by what happened to him. He suffers what today we would call post traumatic stress disorder, repeatedly reliving the torture.

In 1980, Lomax discovers that Takashi Nagase, one of his torturers, is alive in Japan. Lomax tracks him down with the intent of killing him. Instead, he realizes that  the war will never truly end for him until he forgives his tormentor.  Lomax does so.  The scene where he and Nagase embrace is unbelievably moving.

Here's a video of the real Lomax and the real Nagase:

In "Philomena," the teenage Philomena Lee becomes pregnant and is sent by her father to live in an Abbey where she is held in virtual servitude. The nuns force her to give up her son for adoption.

As an adult, Philomena searches for her son. She is joined by a newspaper man thinking this would make a great story.

Philomena discovers that her son, renamed Michael by the American family that adopted him, died of AIDS at the age of 43. Knowing he was dying, Michael visited the Abbey to search for his birth mother. The nuns knew where Philomena was, but refused to let her son know. They had also refused to let Philomena know that her son was looking for her. Michael died thinking Philomena was uninterested in finding him.

When the truth is uncovered, the newspaper man is outraged and shouts curses at the nuns. He expects Philomena to do the same. But in an extraordinary act of generosity and courage,  Philomena forgives the nuns, saying that she doesn't want to live her life full of hate. She knows that, like Eric Lomax, her suffering will never end unless she forgives.

It takes so much courage to let go of the past hurts done to us. The movie examples are of people who were tortured and lied to. But our daily interactions with difficult people are much more mundane: The person who treats us like we don't exist at meetings or talks over us.  The person who butts in front of us in line without apology. The person who tailgates us because we won't drive faster. The person who criticizes us without regard for our feelings. The person who calls us stupid or lazy or some name that hurts. The person who is arrogant or stubborn or opinionated or, in short, difficult to get along with. Sometimes we hold on to these daily slights for years.

I remember meeting a man who had spent years blaming his ex wife for their divorce. One day, having had no contact with her since the divorce, he called her. When she answered, he apologized for blaming her. He took responsibility for the divorce. Not 50% of the responsibility. 100%. He told his ex wife that he was genuinely sorry.

When he was done speaking, there was a long pause. Finally,  his ex wife said to him (and this is a quote. It was such a surprising comment that I wrote it down), "I was prepared to hate you for the rest of my life. What am I going to do now?"

A great question. A hole is left when we give up resentment. What are we going to do now? I think the answer is that now we can be free and powerful. Now we can create a future free from the past that was holding us back. Now we are free to be extraordinary.

Handling Difficult People: Who Are The "Horn Honkers" In Your Life?

"Imagining what it is like to be someone other than yourself is at the core of our humanity. It is the essence of compassion, and it is the beginning of morality."

Ian McEwan

I suggest it's also the beginning of dealing with the difficult people in our lives. Let me give you an example.

A few weeks ago, I flew into Milwaukee, Wisconsin on my way to give a talk on conflict resolution in Madison. The talk was on Saturday and I had flown in Friday afternoon. I rented a car and settled in for the 90 mile drive to Madison.

There was the usual Friday afternoon rush hour traffic and I spent the next hour crawling along. At some point, I had to go to the bathroom. I saw a hotel marquee and exited the freeway. There  was a long, winding exit ramp at the end of which was a sign that read, "Cars exiting do not have to stop." I stopped. To my left, I saw a long line of cars rushing by doing at least 40 miles per hour. If I kept going, I would crash directly into one or more of those cars.

I sat there for about five seconds considering what to do. The drivers behind me started honking their horns, loudly and repeatedly. I looked in the rearview mirror and saw  about five cars stopped behind me. I could see more cars exiting to join this lineup.
I was immediately angry. Are those people nuts? If I proceeded forward, I was going to create a horrible accident. I was nervous and frightened. I considered pulling over on the shoulder to think things over.

Suddenly, I saw what I hadn't noticed before. There was a separate lane for cars exiting the freeway. The sign was correct. I didn't have to stop.

I accelerated into this exit lane and drove into the hotel parking lot.

Coming out of the hotel, as I was about to start my car and get back on the freeway, I reflected on what had happened. I  reminded myself that I was on my way to give a talk on handling conflict. In my talk, I was going to suggest that my audience put themselves in the shoes of the difficult people they are in conflict with and see the world from their point of view. I decided I'd better practice what I preach.

I imagined being those horn honkers: It's Friday afternoon, the end of the workday and the beginning of the weekend. All I want to do is get to wherever I'm going so I can begin enjoying myself. But I can't because some idiot is preventing me from doing so. Exiting cars don't have to stop. Why is that dummy not doing what the sign says? Can't he read?
I realized that if I were one of those people, I would have been on my horn or, at least, been impatiently fuming.

If I could have, I would have gone back to each of those drivers and apologized.

Dealing With The "Horn Honkers" In Your Life

Who are the "honking drivers" in your life? To them, you're the idiot who is in their way.  From their point of view, you're being difficult, not them. Can't you see how wrong you are? Why won't you just get out of the way?

If you want a difficult person in your life to stop being difficult, pretend you're an anthropologist studying an alien culture. Why is that  person so upset? Could it be because they want something and you're in the way?

Take a breath and ask the difficult person, "Why are you upset?" (or words to that affect). See life from the difficult person's point of view. This may be hard to do with someone who is being difficult, but they are being difficult for a reason.
When the difficult person tells you why he is upset, commiserate. Paraphrase what s/he tells you to make sure s/he knows you're listening. Keep paraphrasing until s/he calms down. Don't just say, "I understand."  Don't argue. You can't tell a "car honker" they're wrong. They can't hear you over the noise of their horn.

When the difficult person has calmed down (and s/he will after you paraphrase), ask the person what you must do to improve the situation. And here's the hard part: Do what s/he tells you to do if you are able.

Yes, like me, you may be angry at the "car honkers" in your life. And it may feel satisfying to honk your horn in return. But if you really want the difficult person to stop honking, you'll have to bite the bullet and give up being right and making s/he wrong.

It's not the only way to solve the problem. But it works.

If you have any questions, comments or concerns about any part of this, please write me at ljbarkan@thepivotalfactor.com I'll be happy to respond.

If you'd like a copy of my report "10 Tips For Resolving Conflicts With Difficult People," go to conflictresolutiontraining.net and subscribe to my newsletter.

How Do Difficult People Occur To You?

Have you ever said, "It suddenly occurred to me" or "That never occurred to me?" Those statements are exactly correct. We see something we hadn't seen before or something we never thought of before. Reality hasn't changed, but the way we see reality is quite different. As Wayne Dyer has said, "If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change."

Something happened recently that changed the way a person I had thought of as difficult occurred to me and made me realize that "difficult" is in the eye of the beholder.

I've been living next door to John for two years.  I would see him driving away or returning to his home or I'd see him washing his car in his driveway. We'd nod towards one another and, occasionally, add a small wave. In truth, I knew John's name only because a neighbor had told me.

The fact is, I'd been afraid of John ever since I moved in here. I sensed that my neighbors were afraid of him as well. I had been told by several neighbors that he wanted to be left alone. John is a big man in height and weight, with a bald head. That combination of physical characteristics and what I had been told had John occur to me as menacing. I may have occurred to him in the same way. After all, I hadn't exactly been the friendliest of neighbors.

This year, I took over being the "Block Watch Captain" on the block where I live. We have meetings of the homeowners twice a year and my job is to chair those meetings to discuss issues that are important to people who live in the 37 houses on the block. I also distribute the email and phone list for the residents as well as the minutes of our meetings.

There are residents of seven houses who never come to the meetings. Needless to say, I don't have their contact information. One of those residents is John.  I decided that I was going to get that information. I wrote a flyer that asked if they'd like to be included in the phone and email list. I walked down the block to put the flyer in the seven mailboxes.

I had crossed the street and was a few doors down from my house when I saw John's garage door opening. I stood still as though frozen to the spot, considering whether to walk across the street to talk to him. I waited to see if John would drive out of his garage, but no car emerged. Neither did John. I must have stood there for 15 seconds. Then I turned and proceeded up the street, berating myself for my cowardice.

I put the flyer in the mailboxes and turned to come home. I decided that if I got to John's house and he was in his garage, I would talk to him. If his garage door was closed, I'd put the flyer in his mailbox. As I walked, I practiced what I would say.

John was in his garage, with his back towards me. As I had practiced, I smiled broadly and, in as friendly a voice as I could muster said, "John." He turned to face me. I put out my hand and said, "Your neighbor. Larry Barkan."

To my surprise, John shook my hand and smiled back. In fact, he couldn't have been nicer. We talked for at least 15 minutes. He brought me into his yard and showed me his garden. He told me that he was a power lifter and had recently had shoulder surgery. He gave me some pointers about the safe way to lift weights. There had recently been a minor fire in our neighborhood and we talked about it. It occurred to me (another "occurring" that may or not have been true, but "true" has nothing to do with it) that he would continue talking to me as long as I continued to respond.

He told me his name was James, not John. We laughed. I apologized. I had been calling him "John" for all the time we had been talking.

I finally said that I had to go and asked if he would be willing to give me his contact information for our distribution list. Without hesitation he did and even said, "I should come to one of those meetings." I told him I hoped he would.

"We see the world not as it is, but as we are." I've seen this quote attributed variously to Anais Nin, Stephen Covey and the Talmud. In other words, it's an occurring world.  James occurred to me differently after our talk. He was the same James. I was the same Larry. He just occurred differently to me and that made all the difference.

Do you sometimes avoid certain people because you are sure they're difficult to get along with? Perhaps that's only how difficult people occur to us.

If you have any questions, comments or concerns, please write me at ljbarkan@thepivotalfactor.com I'll be happy to respond.

If you'd like a copy of my report "How To Deal With  Difficult People," go to conflictresolutiontraining.net and give me your email address.

My thanks to Landmark Worldwide (landmarkworldwide.com) for insight into the occurring world.

Be Assertive. Speak Up For Yourself When With A Difficult Person. As Soon As You Recognize There is No Self

Handling a conflict with a difficult person basically requires two activities:

1. Listening for what the other person needs.
2. Assertively speaking up for what you need.

However, you may find yourself, when dealing with difficult people, fearful of speaking your mind. You may walk away from an interaction wishing you hadn't held back from saying what you really need.

You can be assertive and stand up for yourself just as soon as you recognize that there's no such thing as yourself.

Let me explain this seeming paradox by first having you do something.

Write down three words that:

1. A person you think of as difficult to get along with might use to describe you.
2. Your mother might use to describe you.
3. You would use to describe you.

Doing this exercise should convince you that there's no such thing as "yourself." Confused? Let me explain.

Take a look at your lists. Who's right about you? Who has described you most accurately?

Obviously, all descriptions are accurate, from the point of view of the person doing the describing, including you about yourself.

If there were actually something that might be described as "yourself," then that would be the truth about you and everyone would describe you (including yourself) in that way every time.

But that's obviously not what happens. Depending on the circumstance, time of day, mood, and many other variables, descriptions we have of ourselves and others have of us will change, sometimes from moment to moment and person to person as you undoubtedly saw when describing yourself from the point of view of the three people in the exercise.

For example, I'll bet, when you described yourself, you didn't write "poopy face." Yet, when you were five years old, another five year old might very well have described you that way and you would have cried because you would have believed that child, even though you would have had no idea what a "poopy face" was. Just the way it was said would have upset you. In fact, if you had the words then, you might have described that child as difficult to get along with. Today, you would laugh. Why? Because there's no way you'd believe that description of yourself. Dealing with that "difficult" child wouldn't be difficult at all.

But today we do believe descriptions of ourselves that have no more validity than poopy face. The words we use to describe ourselves form our identity. They describe who we believe ourselves to be. They become "ourself." But they are not "ourself" any more than poopy face is.

"Ourselves" are inventions that we create moment to moment. We make it up. We are continually playing a game of "let's pretend" only we forget that we made up the game. The point of view we have about ourselves holds no more validity than "poopy face" did when we were five.

The problem is that we get stuck with certain parts of our invention and we call that "ourselves." We get stuck being people who "just aren't assertive," or "are shy" or "not good enough" or "not smart enough," "not talented enough," or...fill in your own blank as you did in the exercise above.

By the way: This applies to "good" descriptions as well as "bad" ones. "Courageous" is every bit an invention as "frightened" (and I'm not talking about real fears like lions and tigers and bears. I'm talking about imaginary fears of people who are bigger than us, talk more loudly, who make unreasonable demands or are generally difficult to get along with).

It just depends on what we choose to believe. "Poopy face" or "Handsome/beautiful?" Take your pick. Literally. We get to choose.

Now when you start making these different choices to be assertive and stand up for yourself with people who are difficult to get along with, that old identity of yours will scream at you, "That's not who you are" and, if you listen and respond to that scream, you'll stay stuck.

So when you hear that voice, I suggest you do what I do: Imagine that voice is an alien presence that has latched on to your face. Pretend you are tearing that alien off your face and say to that alien, "Thank you for sharing, but I'm committed to being" (whatever you choose to be). Then throw that alien voice in the garbage can. Go ahead. No one is looking. Make a gesture to throw that alien away.

I know this sounds silly but I can't tell you the number of alien voices I've jettisoned. There's something about physically throwing the alien voice away that is incredibly freeing.

If you're with a difficult person, find yourself holding back but, obviously, can't physically throw that voice away without embarrassing yourself, imagine in your mind throwing the alien away and then be what you choose.

You can, you know. Just as soon as you recognize there's no such thing as "yourself."

If you have any questions, comments or concerns about any part of this, please write me at ljbarkan@thepivotalfactor.com. I'll be happy to respond.

Handling Difficult People? Muhammad Ali Really Is "The Greatest"

You want to know how to handle difficult people? You can do no better than use Muhammad Ali as your role model.

I could draw no other conclusion as I watched the HBO "true to life" show, "Muhammad Ali's Greatest Fight" as well as a PBS "Independent Lens" film called "The Trials of Muhammad Ali." The latter is a documentary while the former is a fictionalized version of actual events interspersed with interviews with the real Muhammad Ali and other contemporary figures.

"Muhammed Ali's Greatest Fight" opens in 1967 when Ali has joined the Nation of Islam and has refused induction into the armed forces on the grounds of being a conscientious objector to the war in Vietnam. The nation was bitterly divided about that war and Ali became the lightning rod for all sides in the debate.

Ali was stripped of his world heavyweight champion boxing title and didn't fight again for four years while the case wound it's way through the courts and, ultimately, was decided in Ali's favor by the Supreme Court in 1971.

Think about that for a moment. As a matter of conscience, Ali gave up millions of dollars he would have earned in the ring. He had devoted his entire life to one thing: Being the heavyweight champion of the world and he had no way of knowing if he would ever fight again.

Whether Ali is the greatest boxer who ever lived is an ongoing debate. In my mind, what really makes Ali "The Greatest," (as he proclaimed about himself) is his temperament during this time. Not once was he seen exploding in rage. At one point, David Susskind, a well known television producer and talk show host at the time said about Ali as Ali sat there silently listening, "He's a disgrace to his country, his race and what he laughingly describes as his profession...He's a simplistic fool and a pawn." (Susskind also predicted Ali would go to jail proving just how wrong Susskind was on all counts.)   

At the end of "Muhammad Ali's Greatest Fight," there is an interview with Ali in which he is asked why he never showed resentment towards those who had stripped him of his title and questioned the veracity of his belief about being a conscientious objector to the war.

Ali's response demonstrates why he is "The Greatest" and we are mere mortals. Ali says, "I'd be a hypocrite if I (showed resentment) because they did what they thought was right...For me to condemn them, when I was also doing what I thought was right, would be hypocritical."

Wow! Talk about getting up off the floor and not coming up swinging. Ali is a role model for those of us who struggle with our desire to lash out when we are attacked, knowing that doing so would only bring an unending series of attacks and counterattacks.

In 2005, Muhammad Ali received the Presidential Medal of Freedom. George W. Bush, when presenting the medal, called Ali "a man of peace."

Well deserved.

"High Fidelity:" The Secret To A Lasting Relationship, Guaranteed

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I've been married for 41 years. People sometimes ask for the secret to ensure a lasting relationship. I tell them to watch the movie, "High Fidelity." The answers are in that movie.

It may seem more than a little strange to suggest "High Fidelity" as a template for having a lasting relationship given that the protagonist, Rob (John Cusack), is not able to sustain a relationship for longer than a few months. But by the time the movie has ended, we have learned, along with Rob, the secret to creating a relationship that lasts.

Near the end of the movie, Rob invites Laura to meet him at a restaurant. Laura had dumped Rob early in the movie and he has spent the rest of the movie reviewing his past relationships to see why he has been unable to sustain any of them.

Shortly after Laura sits down, Rob asks Laura to marry him. She is startled to say the least, especially since she has recently seen him flirting with a woman he has just met. She asks his reasons for wanting to get married. Rob now reveals to Laura and to all of us how to sustain a relationship:  

"That other girl...woman...whatever. I was thinking they're just fantasies. And they always seem really great because there's never any problems. If there are, they're cute problems like we bought each other the same Christmas present or she wants to go see a movie I've already seen. And then I come home and you and I have real problems and you don't want to see the movie I want to see period. I'm tired of the fantasy because it doesn't really exist."

In other words, the grass always appears greener on the other side until we realize that the grass on the other side needs the hard work of mowing, just like the grass on this side.

Relationships are most vulnerable when we pine for the grass on the other side of the fence. We imagine we'll be much happier with the attractive woman/man at work, at the gym, standing in line in front of us buying coffee because, we're sure, the problems we'll have with that person will be "cute" problems and not "real" problems. We're tired of real problems and long for the cute ones.

Rob's plaintive statement that "...the fantasy doesn't really exist" is a brilliant insight. Fantasies don't exist in reality. In reality, there are real problems that require real work and a real commitment. 

So, in a nutshell, what's the secret to a lasting relationship? Stop mistaking fantasy for reality. After all, the person you're currently in a real relationship with and with whom you are having real problems, was at one time the fantasy person with whom, you imagined, you would share only cute problems. Fantasies are exciting precisely because they are fantasies. Keep them there.

Get to work on your real relationship and you'll be in that relationship for a long time.