Conflict Resolution Training: Any Conflict Can Be Resolved

Do you doubt the validity of the title? Think your conflicts are so difficult that there is no hope of resolution? If so, you need to hear the story of Clairborne Paul Ellis, known as C. P. Ellis. His story is told in the book “Being Wrong: Adventures in the Margin of Error’ by Kathryn Schulz.

C. P. Ellis operated a gas station in Durham, North Carolina and was the head of the Durham branch of the Ku Klux Klan.

He threw a party on April 4^th, 1968, the day Martin Luther King was killed.

In 1970, the Federal government gave North Carolina 75 million dollars to desegregate the state’s schools of which $80,000 was given to Durham for a series of workshops to persuade Durham’s citizens to cooperate.

Joe Becton, head of Durham’s Human Relations Commission, wanted the most important city leaders to participate in the workshops. Because he knew that many of the city’s anti integration citizens would resist unless they felt their views were represented in the workshops, he approached Ellis to participate. Ellis was appalled and resisted Becton’s entreaties. But persistence paid off and Ellis, who knew that desegregation was inevitable, decided to participate in order to do what he could to slow the process down.

Becton also approached Ann Atwater, a poor African American women who he thought could represent poor and disenfranchised Black citizens. Atwater had organized housing protests against dishonest landlords and worked with welfare recipients to educate them on their rights.

The man heading the workshops, Bill Riddick, saw that he had to bring these two antagonists together if the workshops were to be successful so he asked them to co-chair the workshops. Blacks were outraged as were whites. Why would a Black person even be in the same room as the head of the KKK? Why would a white person even consider sitting at the same table as a Black person?

As you can imagine, the first meeting was a disaster. Ellis refused to sit down, paced the room and wouldn’t even look at Atwater who sat glaring at Ellis.

One day, at the conclusion of one of these workshops, Ellis and Atwater found themselves alone in the auditorium where the meeting had taken place. They started talking and discovered that their differences were, literally, only skin deep.

Both Ellis and Atwater had grown up poor and uneducated in North Carolina. Ellis’s father was an abusive alcoholic. Ellis dropped out of school in the 8^th grade, married at 17 and had 3 children, one of whom was blind and developmentally disabled. He was barely able to support his children. One of the main reasons he had even considered participating in the workshops was for the sake of his children.

Atwater had dropped out of school in the 10^th grade, had her first child when she was 16 and married the father of her child who left her shortly afterwards. She worked as a nanny and housekeeper but was never able to earn enough money to bring herself and her child out or poverty. Like Ellis, she joined the workshops in the hope that it would make a difference for her child.

Listening to Atwater, to his astonishment, Ellis began to cry. Years later, he told the interviewer Studs Terkel that for the first time, “I looked at her and saw another human being. I began to love the girl, really.”

From 1970 when he left the Klan until 1994, Ellis worked as an organizer for the International Union of Operating Engineers. When asked about his greatest accomplishment, he said it was helping forty African American women secure the right to take MLK day off as a paid holiday, the first contract in the city of Durham to honor King’s memory.

Ellis died in 2005. Atwater is still alive.

So consider the possibility that any conflict can be resolved if you choose to. The lesson offered by Ellis and Atwater is that doing so is a choice and not doing so is also a choice. Believing anything else is a pretense.

Conflict Resolution Training: “Infinite Patience Produces Immediate Results”

The quote in the title is from Wayne Dyer. I never fully understood this counter intuitive comment until I read a remarkable book called Three Cups of Tea: One Man's Mission to Promote Peace... One School at a Time by Greg Mortenson. If you want to produce “immediate results,” read this book immediately.

The book tells the inspiring story of how Mortenson created a non profit agency that has built over 130 schools educating both boys and girls in areas of Pakistan and Afghanistan near where we are currently fighting the Taliban. The book’s title refers to a story Mortenson was told about how patience produces results especially when working with people whose beliefs, attitudes and opinions are different from our own.

Mortenson met a man in Baltistan, a remote region on the border between Pakistan and India who told him that building schools in that region requires focusing as much on relationships as on results.

”The first time you share tea with a Balti, you are a stranger,” the man said. “The second time you take tea, you are an honored guest. The third time you share a cup of tea, you become family, and for our family, we are prepared to do anything, even die.”

There are some obvious lessons in this for anyone interested in producing results especially with those with whom we may have a conflict:  

1.   Take the time to “share three cups of tea” with the people with whom we want to produce results. As Mortenson recommends, “Make building projects as important as building relationships.” Disagreements are more easily resolved when people have a solid relationship based on understanding.

2.   Take the time to listen to fully understand the values, beliefs and opinions of those with whom we disagree. As the man in Balltistan told Mortenson, “Respect our ways.” What goes around comes around. When we respect the ways of others, they tend to return the favor.

3.   Take the time to build rapport and trust with the people with whom we may disagree. All things are possible when people trust one another. Rome wasn’t built in a day, nor a school and certainly not anything that leaves a legacy of accomplishment. When people trust us, they may not die for us but they are certainly more willing to work with us. 

Threats, bribes and demands may produce short-term results. But if we’re interested in something that lasts for the long term and leaves a legacy for others, we must be infinitely patient and take the time to share “three cups of tea.” 

Resolving Conflicts: Lessons From A Black Belt In Akido

Imagine you are an astronaut who lands on a far away planet and encounters a being from that planet. What would you do? Pull out your ray gun and shoot? Fall flat on your face and beg for your life? Or would you try to find a way to communicate and build a relationship?

The analogy is not far fetched. When we are in a relationship at work or at home and the relationship is not going well, it’s almost as though the other person was a being from another planet with whom we just can’t communicate.

In that case, we have the same choices as that imagined astronaut: We may try to overpower the other person with our anger. We may grow passive and pout. Or we may try to find a way to communicate that will restore the relationship.

 This analogy came to mind while reading something from Judy Ringer who brings a unique perspective to the world of conflict and communication. Judy is the author of Unlikely Teachers: Finding the Hidden Gifts in Daily Conflict. She teaches conflict and communication workshops throughout the United States and Canada based on mind/body principles from the martial art aikido, in which she holds a second degree black belt.

Judy suggests that, if you want a great relationship, “Pretend you’re entertaining a visitor from another planet, and find out how things look on that planet, how certain events affect the other person, and what the values and priorities are there. If your partner really was from another planet, you’d be watching his body language and listening for unspoken energy as well. What does he really want? What is he not saying?”

What a brilliant mind set to use to improve our relationships! At heart, conflicts remain unresolved because people have different perceptions of the world and one person wants to convince the other that his perception is the right one. It’s as though both people were on different planets. However, a person’s perception is only “right” on his planet. John Gray captured some of this in his book “Men Are from Mars, Women Are From Venus.”

So how do we reconcile these seemingly irreconcilable differences? Here are 6 steps to do so:

1.   To be blunt, shut up, listen and observe. As Kathryn Schulz notes in her book, Being Wrong, “The only way to engage with the possibility that we could be wrong is to stop obsessively defending ourselves.”

Consider the possibility that if people are defensive around you, you’re giving them reason to think there’s something they need to defend.

If you do nothing else, listen to understand. This one act alone will improve the relationship.

2.   If you must speak, limit your words to paraphrases of what you’re hearing to be sure you understand this person from another planet.

3.   Once you have communicated that you fully understand the other person, you have gained permission to explain your position. If the other person resists your explanation, don’t push it. The harder you push, the more resistance you’ll encounter. I’m sure the black belt in aikido Judy Ringer would agree.

Additionally, resistance is a sign that you haven’t fully listened to all the other person has to say.

4.   Ask the other person how he/she would suggest resolving the differences between you.

5.   Make your own suggestions, not from the perspective of being right but from the perspective of wanting to live peacefully on the same planet with the other person. Brainstorm, don’t dictate.

6.   Whatever agreement you come to, live it with integrity which means stick to the agreement even if you wake up the next morning thinking and feeling that you don’t want to. Change the agreement only with the consent of the other person.

Follow these steps and you and the people you’re in relationship with will find yourselves amicably inhabiting the same planet.

Find out more about the sensational Judy Ringer by clicking here.

Conflict Resolution Training: When Is ‘Take It Or Leave It’ The Right Strategy?

I received a question the other day from someone who asked when it was appropriate to tell someone “take it or leave it” versus utilizing a “win-win” conflict resolution strategy. “Shouldn’t all conflicts be negotiated to the benefit of all who are involved?” this person asked.

It is always my desire to resolve conflicts so that everyone wins. But sometimes, it is completely appropriate to just tell someone they must do something or stop doing something and the decision to do so is fairly simple: When adults act like children, take it or leave it is the right choice.

I came to this insight from an unlikely source, US Magazine.

In the September 21^st, 2009 issue, there’s a story about Arcadian Broad, a 13-year old contestant on the television show, America’s Got Talent.

In case you don’t know, contestants on the show demonstrate their talent and are critiqued by a panel of judges. One of the judges, Piers Morgan, criticized Adrian’s dance performance. Adrian complained to the magazine reporters that he didn’t do well because the dance routine he performed was not of his choosing and that the show’s producers had forced him to perform the routine.

Mr. Morgan disagreed saying that the producers work with the performers to help them do well but never force a performer to do anything he/she doesn’t want to do.

Sharon Osbourne, another judge, supported Mr.Morgan saying, "It was typical young person stuff. When you get upset, you say, "You made me."

It occurred to me that “take it or leave it” is appropriate when you’re dealing with “young person’s stuff” and it’s found among adults acting like children.

For example, I heard the other day of medical technicians in dialysis centers who complained about their nursing supervisors to the patients being dialyzed saying, “I got written up” and “They just don’t like me” and “It’s not my fault.”

Complaining to patients is totally inappropriate, but it’s what a 13-year old would do instead of talking directly to the supervisor and working out the conflict. These technicians need to be told to stop it, “take it or leave it.”

I heard of sales representatives who complained to other sales reps that the reason their sales are poor is because their sales managers gave them “lousy sales territories” or “play favorites” or “don’t listen to me.”

Complaining to other sales representatives rather than talking directly to one’s sales manager and working out the conflict is what a 13-year old would do. These sales representatives need to be told to stop it, “take it or leave it.”

Sometimes, of course, it’s true that the supervisors and sales managers “don’t like me” or “play favorites.” But even then, an adult would have a conversation. A 13-year old would sulk.

So take it or leave it is appropriate when adults are acting like children. You wouldn’t expect a 13 year old to take responsibility for his or her behavior. An adult has to step in and reinforce the rules.