Conflict Resolution Training: It’s Better To Receive Than To Give

If you want to resolve a conflict, it’s much better to receive than to give. 

Stop giving people your opinion of them and start receiving their opinion of you. Simply believe everything they tell you about yourself. It’s not “the truth,” it’s only their perception. But their perception is your access to resolving the conflict.

Think of a conflict you’re in now (or have been in the past) and recall what the other person said about you. For example:

·     

You don’t listen.

·      You’re judgmental.

·      You always have to be right.

·      You’re stubborn.

Now consider that all of this is “true”…from the other person’s perspective which is all that matters in resolving a conflict. What you think about yourself makes no difference in conflict resolution.

The feedback you receive is not about you. It’s about the perception of the feedback giver. But it is perhaps the most useful information you will receive about how to resolve a conflict.

So believe it when people tell you, “You should” or “You are” or “You must,” etc. “ Whatever words come after these words are exactly what the other person needs you to do to resolve the conflict.

You may, of course, choose not to give the other person what he/she needs, but then you must (do you have a reaction to that word “must?”) give up your right to blame the other person for the conflict.

You don’t have to agree with their perception, but you must accept that it’s true from their perspective.

Conflict resolution is easy. Listen to what you receive from other people and choose to change…or not. That choice will determine whether the conflict gets resolved…or not.

If you choose not to change, then you are the one keeping the conflict going...not the other person.

Conflict Resolution Training: Use Body Language To Build Rapport With Difficult People

Conflict resolution is easy: Find out what people need and if you can and/or are willing to, give them what they need. How do you find out what people need? You listen, paraphrase and ask the question, “Why is that important to you?”

As you’re listening, there are three nonverbal behaviors that will help you to build rapport and reduce the emotional intensity of any conflict:

1.    Mirror the other person’s body posture and position.

To build rapport with another person, it’s important to let her (him) know that you understand her position from her perspective. You can do this by verbally paraphrasing what she is saying and nonverbally assuming her physical position.

For example, if the other person is standing, stand. If the other person is s sitting, sit. If he (she) is resting his hands on top of the table, do so as well. If he is crossing his right leg over his left leg, cross yours in the same way. When he shifts to a different position, gradually shift to assume that same position.

The key is to move gradually and subtly. Don’t shift to mirror another’s body posture and position immediately after she (he) moves. Wait a few seconds and then gradually adjust your body posture and position to mirror hers. Your intent is not to manipulate but to build rapport so that the conversation flows smoothly. Mirroring sends an unconscious message that you are not a threat to the other person.

If you doubt the validity of mirroring, watch a drama or comedy on television with the sound off. You will be able to tell when the characters are in rapport and when they are not just by observing their body language. When they are in rapport, you will notice that their body postures and positions mirror one another.

2.   Be physically close to the other person

Physical closeness encourages psychological closeness.

If you want to nonverbally communicate, “I’m on your side,” sit or stand beside that person. If you’re in your office, come out from behind your desk and sit or stand near the other person. If you’re in a restaurant, sit at right angles to the other person, not across the table.

The way to determine how close you should get to the other person is to notice what she (he) does when she shakes your hand. Some people extend their entire arm stiffly as though they want you to keep your distance. Others bend their elbow, as they shake as though to draw you closer. Never get closer than the length of a handshake.

3.    If the disagreement gets heated, don’t mirror but align your body with the other person.

Sit or stand facing in the same direction without making eye contact. During heated discussions, direct eye contact can be perceived as a threat (watch two dogs that are about to fight. They are glowering at each other.). You’ll be surprised to find the disagreement cooling down. This is because at a nonverbal level, you’re indicating your desire to remain in contact even though the other person’s verbal behavior suggests a desire to break away.

Alignment can be uncomfortable for you because, if the other person is angry, the tendency is to want to back away. But try alignment and watch the intensity of the confrontation diminish.

Be subtle as you use these techniques. If you are obvious, the other person is likely to feel manipulated. The intention of these three techniques is not to manipulate the other person but to create a relationship in which a win-win resolution to the conflict is possible.

Conflict Resolution Training: The Most Important Question To Ask

Discovering what people need is critical to resolving a conflict because conflict resolution is easy: Find out what people need and give it to them. You can discover what people need by asking one simple and vitally important question: “Why is that important to you?”

Whenever someone says to you, “I want…” ask “Why is that important to you?” Their answer will be their need.

At that point, if you choose to not give others what they need (assuming you are in a position to do so), you are the one who is keeping the conflict going, not the other person.

I was reminded of this lesson when reading a recent story about the Titanic, the ship that sank in 1912.

In the August 22^nd, 2010 New York Times, there was a story called, “In New Approach to Titanic, An Exhibitor Aids Scientists.” The story was about the conflict between archaeologists who want the site left untouched as a memorial and the company, R.M.S. Titanic, that has removed over 4,000 artifacts from the site and wants to continue doing so.

This dispute has been going on in the courts for 17 years. R.M.S. Titanic has been arguing that they should either be granted ownership of the artifacts or be compensated for salvaging them. Archaeologists have fought to stop further salvaging until the entire site can be studied.

What ended the 17-year-old quarrel? The leaders of R.M.S. Titanic asked the archaeologists “Why is stopping our salvaging operation important to you?” and discovered that mapping the wreckage site was the scientific community’s number one priority, not depriving the company of profits from their salvaging operations.

Reading this you may think, “Duh. How obvious.” But wait a minute. How many of your conflicts have been going on for a while with friends, loved ones and business associates. Are their family members you don’t talk to? Business associates you’ve given up on? People from the opposite political party whose opinions cause your blood to boil? How many years have you been engaged in these conflicts without resolution?

All of these conflicts exist because of a failure to ask the most obvious question: “Why is that important to you?” Conflicts continue because instead of asking this simple question, people assume that the other side is just being unreasonable while “our” side is the very definition of reason.

When R.M.S. Titianic asked that question of the scientific community (after 17 years of litigation!) they were able to move forward.

Who knows what you’ll discover when you ask that question. But if you don’t ask it, consider the possibility that you are more committed to being in conflict than to resolving it.