It's Better To Ask Permission Than Forgiveness

There is an old saying that it is better to ask forgiveness than permission, the idea being that if we wait for permission, we may hear “no,” but if we just do what we believe to be best and then ask for forgiveness for doing so, we’re more likely to get our way.
The old saying is wrong. If you review in your life the relationships that didn’t work out or contained a lot of conflict or where there was often tension and stress, you’ll find that those relationships ran into trouble because you (or the other person) did something before getting agreement (permission) and then apologized (asked for forgiveness) afterwards.
Trust is harmed when agreements are broken. In fact, I’d suggest that the basis for relationship trouble is broken agreements whether it’s the businessperson who didn’t keep her word, the service person who didn’t show up at the time he said he would or the son/daughter who returned home later than promised. All of these are broken agreements and all lead to a lack of trust.
Here’s one example where an individual asked for forgiveness rather than permission and it caused problems.
My wife and I own a piece of property near Olympia, Washington. We don’t own an RV, but the previous owner had created a space for an RV to hook up to and get water and electricity.
Recently, a friend had sold his home and moved into an RV while looking for another house. He asked if he could rent our RV space and store a generator in our garage. We said yes with the agreement that he would be gone by a certain date, that he put only his generator in our garage and nothing else and that the only vehicle he kept on the property was his RV.
We were gone while he moved in. When we returned, we discovered that he had moved a van (in addition to the RV) on to the property, and that he had stored several pieces of furniture, in addition to the generator, in the garage.
He apologized but it created a rift in our relationship. We’re gone from this property for long stretches and we were concerned about what else he might do in our absence. We also became concerned that he might not leave by the date promised.
The issue is not the furniture he put in our garage or the van. The issue is trust. Whenever agreements are broken, trust is harmed and relationships suffer. We don’t know what we would have said had he come to us to renegotiate the agreement, but by following the maxim that it is better to ask forgiveness than permission, he cut off any possibility of renegotiation and harmed our relationship.
If you look at any of your failed/failing/ less than successful relationships, you will find that there was a breakdown in trust because an agreement was broken.
If you want to have relationships that work, ask for permission and get clear agreements before you take action.

"Can't We All Just Get Along?"

The answer to Rodney King is “Yes,” but it takes a willingness to transcend our ordinary ways of behaving as exemplified by the following story I heard on the NPR program “This American Life” on April 14^th.

John Snid was the founder of Love In Action, an organization dedicated, in his words, to “curing” adult homosexuals. By his own admission, John had been cured of his own homosexuality while hearing God’s voice in Church. Subsequently, John got married.

John also created a ministry called Refuge to cure gay teens. While Love In Action had attracted little opposition, Refuge brought out protesters when one of the teens blogged about his rather unpleasant experiences.

Morgan John Fox was one of the leaders of the protest group that appeared day after day in front of the Love In Action offices, demanding to meet with John Snid.

After weeks of protest, John agreed to meet with Morgan. Both prepared their arguments (Morgan prepared a six page document) and got ready for the anticipated verbal battle between them.

Sitting across from John, Morgan looked down at his notes and, much to his surprise, started saying what he hadn’t planned on saying. He talked about being teased as a child because he was “different” and the disapproval he experienced from his parents, his father in particular. Morgan also talked about the love he experienced after coming out as a gay man and the loving relationships he then developed.

John was moved by Morgan’s unexpected vulnerability and chose not to deliver his prepared 6-page statement.

Morgan ended up attending an open meeting of Love In Action and, as a result of what he learned there, mended his relationship with his father. Morgan emailed John, telling him the difference that meeting had made for him even though he continued to disagree with much of John’s philosophy.

John emailed back and the two began meeting informally at coffee houses and restaurants. Friends of the two men kidded them that there was some kind of romantic attraction but that wasn’t at all the case. They genuinely enjoyed discussing their opposing viewpoints.

John ended up shutting down the teen program, Refuge. In March of 2008, John shut down Love In Action admitting, to many people’s dismay, that he had never met a man who experienced a change from homosexual to heterosexual. This statement got national attention and John was interviewed on “Hardball” with Chris Matthews.

John remains married to this day and refers to himself as gay. There was no comment from John’s wife.

My intention is not to comment on being gay, on the possibility of “curing” homosexuality or on the contradictions inherent in a professed gay man being married to a woman.

Rather, I want to comment on the possibility of living a life in which “Everyone Wins” the game of conflict as the title of my book suggests. It’s possible, but it requires an extraordinary willingness to give up the need to be right and make others wrong.

The goal of conflict resolution is not to change anyone’s opinions or judgments. The goal of conflict resolution is to create agreements to which everyone will commit. This is accomplished through listening for understanding without the intention of changing someone else’s mind. John and Morgan are the exemplars of what I’m referring to.

For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. If argument begets arguing, might listening produce a very different outcome?

You can listen to this story here.