What Difference Will You Make Today?

“Few will have the greatness to bend history itself; but each of us can work to change a small portion of events, and in the total of all those acts will be written the history of this generation

.”

Robert Kennedy

Here’s a “small portion of events” that represents the fulfillment of Kennedy’s aphorism:

I was putting gas in my car the other day and I noticed a man standing near the entrance to the gas station store. He was unshaven, his clothes were dirty and he was extremely thin. I thought he was going to ask me for money. He didn’t.

At that moment, an older couple approached me and somewhat frantically asked if I was familiar with the neighborhood. They were lost and asked for directions to their destination which I patiently gave them. But the more I explained, the more confused they got, asking me over and over to repeat the directions.

Suddenly, I heard a voice behind me speaking to the couple. It was the man I had seen by the entrance to the gas station store. He was correcting something about my directions. I realized that he was right and I had been wrong.

I left the couple in the very capable hands of this man. As I drove away, I waved to this man who waved back and smiled.

Cynics among us may assume that this man was simply looking for a handout but I don’t think so. He had truly made a difference for that couple and, I maintain, that was the “handout” he had been seeking. If he also got some money for making a difference, so much the better.

In fact, the “handout” we are all seeking is to know that our lives matter and that we made a difference. The reason any of us get paid for the work we do is because we made a difference.

The question I encourage you to wake up asking yourself every morning (to replace any negative thoughts that may be there as you awake) is, “What difference can I make today and who can I make it for?” The difference we will make will always be a “bending of history” no matter how large or how small the difference.

If we will just search for opportunities to make a difference for others, we will find them.  

Are Pink Elephants Keeping You Stuck?

“We are what we think, we become what we think and what we think becomes our reality.”

Source unknown

I heard a great demonstration the other day of how to deal with fear. As I recreate this demonstration, I suggest you consider a fear you have: Asking for what you want. Speaking in front of groups. Pursuing a dream. As you read, ask yourself, “What am I really afraid of?”

I was in a seminar and a saleswoman talked about her fear of calling a prospective customer because she was afraid she’d be considered “pushy.”

In response, the leader of the seminar asked her to think of a pink elephant. He asked if she had a clear image in her mind of a pink elephant. She said she did (are you seeing one?).

The leader than asked her to think of the words, “I’m pushy.” He asked if she was hearing herself saying those words. She said she did (imagine hearing yourself saying those words).

The seminar leader then asked what was the difference between the two thoughts.

Now pause for a moment and ask yourself the same question. Is there really any difference between a fictitious pink elephant and a fictitious thought?

The obvious answer is that there is no difference. Both are made up.
The thoughts we have in our heads are no more real than that pink elephant. But we behave as though those thoughts are real. Notice, for example, the thought that stops you from saying or doing something that you’d like to say or do.

Not only will we stop ourselves, we will argue with anyone who points out the unreality of our thoughts. For example, the woman didn’t immediately thank the seminar leader for pointing out that she was living in a fantasy world of thoughts that were no more real than pink elephants. She argued for her limitations and listed her evidence for believing that she will be perceived as “pushy” even though she had never been told she was “pushy” or told to never call again.

My point is we make up stories and then live as if those stories are real. We act as though our thoughts are like physical objects that are barriers we can’t get around. We made up our thoughts. We just forgot we made them up.

So the next time you’re stopped from doing what you want to do by some thought, consider that the thought is just your “pink elephant”  keeping you stuck in a fantasy world. Create your reality not by banishing these pink elephants (you really can’t control the random thoughts you have) but by recognizing that it’s just a fantasy you’ve created and it’s the fantasy, not the reality that is keeping you stuck.

Conflict Resolution: Relationship Advice From Keith Richards

“If I’m in conflict with somebody, it means somebody is in conflict with me.”

       Keith Richards quoted in Rolling Stone magazine, October 28^th, 2010

Leave it to the poster child of sex, drugs and rock and roll to give us an access to improving our relationships. As Richards suggests, consider the possibility that we are in conflict because we never quite get our responsibility for the conflict. In fact, we may not even see that we have any responsibility. Literally not see it.

Consider this tragic story that I heard on National Public Radio the other day: A man drove over some railroad tracks and was killed when he collided with a train he didn’t see. Turns out the man paid no attention to the sound of the screaming train whistle, drove around the gates that had been lowered to block access to the tracks and ignored the flashing warning lights indicating the approaching train.

How did the man miss all these signals? He was texting.

We can feel superior to this man and blame him for his irresponsibility or we can ask: When our relationships turn into “train wrecks,” what are we not seeing and being responsible for?

A friend of mine, a very intelligent and capable woman, continually complains that her boyfriend of three years never makes her feel loved. I point out the obvious (cue train whistle, guard gates and flashing warning signs): She has been complaining about this boyfriend for three years, that I doubt he will ever make her feel loved and that she should find another boyfriend. Rather than agreeing when I say this, my friend makes excuses for her boyfriend’s lack of affection.

We can bemoan this woman’s apparent blindness to the obvious or we can ask what we are not seeing and being responsible for. “What you see is what you get” is more than just a clever saying.

Keith Richards reminds us not to feel superior to anyone because they don’t see what’s obvious to us (isn’t it obvious that texting while driving is a bad idea? Isn’t it obvious that someone who has never made you feel loved isn’t likely to ever do so?). There’s plenty we’re blind to that, I’m sure, is obvious to others.

Perhaps, as Richards notes, we literally don’t see that if we’re in a conflict, the person we’re in the conflict with is also in a conflict. That maybe we are keeping that conflict going and not the other person. That our inability to see the other person’s reality is the reason we’re in conflict and not because of some “irrationality” on their part.

This is why I recommend listening without argument to every piece of feedback you receive about yourself. You may be blind to something that is obvious to others and their feedback may keep you from being hurt in a relationship that can turn into a “train wreck.”