A Story Book Romance Requires Accepting Another's Story

In "Being Wrong," a book about how difficult it can be to admit errors in judgment or belief or perception, the author Kathryn Schulz interviews Raoul Felder, a divorce attorney with a roster of wealthy clients some famous, some not.

Felder notes that during his first meeting with a client he/she invariably tells Felder that he is about to hear a story of marital discord the likes of which Felder has never heard before. Felder nods sympathetically, even as he is thinking that he has heard it all before many, many times.

According to Felder, the story invariably goes something like this: I wish that my (husband/wife) would realize that there are two sides to every story. But because he/she refuses to see that there are two sides to every story, I have to end the relationship.

Of course, as Kathryn Schulz notes, what's left unsaid but implied in this rant is the assertion, "then he/she would realize that I'm right."

Dr. Rachel Naomi Remen, Clinical Professor of Family and Community Medicine at University of California, San Francisco School of Medicine, writes about a woman she knows who, in a few hours, can have people with diametrically opposing positions work together as colleagues. When Dr. Remen asked this woman how she achieves this extraordinary accomplishment, the woman responded, “Simple. You just change the story they are holding about themselves and each other.” (check out Dr. Remen's complete article here)

Consider a relationship you have that is going well or one that is not. Why is that relationship going well or poorly? Your answer to that question is the story you tell and it's the story that determines the quality of that relationship.

For example:

Is your boss unreasonable in his demands (your story), or interested in excellence (his story)?         

Does a friend avoid giving you her opinion because she doesn't care (your story), or because she's concerned about hurting your feelings (her story)?

        

Did your spouse not pick up the dry cleaning because he is getting back at you for something (your story), or did he legitimately forget (his story)?

Does your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife still communicate with someone from a former relationship because he/she simply wants to remain on good terms (his/her story) or because he/she is not fully committed to you (your story)?  

        

Sometimes there are two sides to a story and sometimes there aren't but there are definitely always two stories. A storybook romance or any great relationship requires the acceptance of the other's story.

"I Didn't Think Of It"

Consider this scenario: You are seated across from a person who is holding a tennis ball. Your assignment (and I ask you to accept it) is to get that tennis ball from the other person. How do you do it?

The people to whom I asked this question had one of three suggestions.

11.   Offer something to the person in exchange for the tennis ball. For example, "I'll give you a cookie if you give me the tennis ball."

22.   Ask for the ball and give a reason for asking. For example, "Will you please give me the tennis ball? My dog is a Golden Retriever and it's a fun way for me to exercise him."

33.   Look as needy as possible and ask, without providing a reason, "Will you give me the tennis ball?"

A University of Chicago sociologist used this very scenario. You may know that Chicago has recently experienced a spate of gang related murders and the sociologist was trying to determine why this might be so and what to do about it. I recently heard the results of his experiment on National Public Radio.

The sociologist brought in pairs of young people, not necessarily gang members, who lived in the areas of the city where most of the gang related violence was occurring. He paired them up and gave one person a tennis ball and directed the other to get the ball away from that person.

In every case (and I don't recall how many people were put through this exercise), the person wanting the ball tried to wrest it away from the other through some sort of intimidation such as, "If you don't give me the ball, I'll take it from you."

After a few minutes, the experiment was stopped and the person whose job it was to get the ball was asked why he (the study was all males) didn't simply ask for the ball or use one of the other strategies suggested by the people I queried.

In every case...in every case...the response was basically, "I didn't think of it." 

Now before we judge these young people, consider that their response ("I didn't think of it") is not much different from any of us who are living with unresolved conflicts. We are all the victims (and beneficiaries) of our past. Our approach to handling conflict is based on that past. Whatever worked for us in the past is likely to be our modus operandi in the future. And when that modus operandi doesn't work, we tend to give up or blame the other person.

That's why, when you are frustrated by a conflict, get help from someone you trust. Stop asking yourself what to do because asking yourself for suggestions will only yield what you've already thought of. What you're looking for is a solution you haven't yet thought of.

You'll know you're on the right track when you hear a suggestion and you say, "I didn't think of that."