Everything We Do Alters The Future. It's An Awesome Responsibility

“It’s fearful to know we’re connected to everything in the universe, because then we’re responsible.”

          Glenda Taylor quoted in “Random Acts Of Kindness”

Have you heard the expression that when a butterfly flaps its wings in Brazil, we get a hurricane off the coast of Florida? Glenda Taylor is suggesting that when we erupt in anger on this side of the world, war erupts on the other side. Similarly, a random act of kindness can have far reaching repercussions.

 

Everything we do has consequences whether we are aware of it or not. Every action affects the future. Everything we say and do makes a difference. The responsibility can be fearful and awe-full. There are no insignificant actions.

Throw a stone into a pond. The affect is obvious when we see the ripples that are very close to us. But the farther away, the more distant the ripples, the harder it is to see the affect.

My friend Brian Weigelt told me a story to illustrate this point. I apologize and ask Brian to forgive me if I don’t communicate the story perfectly in every detail.

Brian needed a part for his car. He had to go back three times to the same store because they kept giving him the wrong part. This happened even though Brian asked the second and third times, “Now you’re sure this is the correct part?”

After his third return to the store, in utter frustration, Brian said to the man behind the counter, “I can’t believe how uneducated you are.”

Instantly, Brian could tell that the word “uneducated” had triggered an intense emotion in the man. In a flash of anger he said, “You have every right to be upset, but don’t say I’m uneducated.”

Brian left the store (with the correct part this time as it turned out) but that interaction bothered him the entire day. He couldn’t get it out of his mind.

Like Brian, you may have experienced something that you have difficulty letting go of. It could be something that happened yesterday or it could be something that happened ten years ago. Some of these memories are like weights around our necks, dragging us down, drowning us in remorse or regret or anger and tiring us out. This is sometimes called “unfinished business.”

 

For Brian, this incident was his weight and he didn’t want to carry it. He went back to the store, found the man and apologized saying, “I had no right to insult you. Will you please forgive me?” (Brian didn’t just say, “I apologize.” He took the bigger risk and asked for forgiveness.)

The man said he would and Brian could tell that he had impacted that man profoundly.

 

Now here’s the “stone in the pond” part. We don’t know what happened after Brian left the store, but let’s speculate. Let’s imagine that the man went home and told his wife about Brian’s apology, how surprised he was that Brian had done so and how good it made the man feel. His wife was happy because her husband was happy. Yesterday, when her husband had come home furious because a customer had called him “uneducated,” both she and her husband had been unable to sleep. Perhaps his wife’s happiness caused her to be extra loving to their children who, the night before, had been afraid they were in trouble for something they had done since their parents had been grumpy the entire evening. Tonight, however, the children were peaceful, feeling loved and protected. Perhaps the children were nicer to their teachers the next day in school. Perhaps the teacher went home and…

How far might these ripples extend?

We can’t know the exact impact of Brian’s behavior but I promise you there was one. Brian’s action when he called the man “uneducated” altered the future just as the future was altered when Brian apologized. This is what happens when we realize how profoundly connected we are.

We’ve all experienced something like this when stuck in traffic because of an accident. Thousands of people are affected because one (or several) people were reckless. How did you feel as you sat in traffic? How did that affect your relationships with the people you saw after getting past the accident? Did you call on your cell phone and complain to someone? What impact do you think that had on the person to whom you were complaining? Now imagine the impact your complaint had on the person to whom you complained.

“And so it goes” as Kurt Vonnegut wrote. The more things change the more they remain the same because we don’t complete our unfinished business and get rid of the weight we’re carrying around as my friend Brian did.

Our actions have consequences. When we consider those consequences and take responsibility for them, we realize the importance of what we say and what we do. Who knows what affect our words and actions will have on the ripples at the far end of our pond?

Consider the kind of world we’d create if we each took on the awesome responsibility associated with being connected to every else on this planet.

Change Is The Easy Part. Then Comes Life

 “Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?”

title of a song by Carole King

Carole King’s plaintive question is really one that might be asked by anyone who is uncertain about how long love will last. Similarly, anyone who wants to maintain weight loss, stop smoking forever, quit drinking permanently or exercise regularly might also be wondering if they can sustain their commitment.

It’s a question participants in my seminars are continually confronted with. Will the change they’ve made in the classroom be the change they sustain at home and at work?

It’s a question that anyone might ask about any situation where they have taken on some new behavior and wonder if they’ll be able to sustain that new behavior tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow.

A drug addict framed this dilemma succinctly. Well, actually, a drug addict on television.

I was watching reruns of a show called “The Wire.” The first season (which is all I’ve seen) is about cops chasing drug dealers.

In one scene, a drug addict who attended his first Narcotics Anonymous meeting later runs into a man who spoke at the meeting and who had been off drugs for 3 months. The addict mentions how hard it is to stay off drugs and the man responds, “Getting clean is the easy part. Then comes life.”

Exactly. When we first change our behavior, we receive lots of accolades. Anyone who has ever lost weight, stopped smoking or given up drinking knows what I mean.

Then comes life where, day after day, that new behavior has to be sustained. Life is what happens after the applause goes away.

When I coach people in seminars to listen rather than command, I notice that they become really good listeners in the classroom where I and the other participants cheer them on.

Then comes life in which they have to listen to family and friends at home and team members at work who may have very different points of view. 

So how can any of us be sure we’ll sustain the change we’ve committed to after the applause dies down?

Here are 4 steps that will make a difference:

1.   Practice integrity. A key reason you may not sustain change is that you don’t trust yourself to do so. Perhaps you’ve tried to change in the past, failed to sustain the change and now you’re afraid you’ll fail again. You have to learn that you can trust yourself to be bigger than your circumstances when life intrudes. The more you honor your word in the present the more you will trust that you can do so in the future. Practice doing what you said you’d do whether you feel like it or not. Be on time for appointments. Make that phone call when you said you would. If you promised you’d be somewhere, be there when you said you would.

1.   Declare publicly (to at least three people) the change you are committing to. The signers of the Declaration of Independence mutually pledged to each other “our Lives, our Fortunes, and our sacred Honor.” The signers knew that pledging their “sacred Honor” to each other would strengthen their commitment to independence.

Pledge your independence from your previous behavior to at least three people. If these are people who are committed to the same change as you, all the better. 

2.   Ask at least one of the people to whom you made your “declaration of independence” to hold you accountable for your new behavior until it is a habit. That’s the “secret” behind Weight Watchers, any 12-step program and, indeed, any behavior change. Select someone who won’t give up when you get angry at them for holding you accountable (it’s likely you will get angry. Few people like to be held accountable). 

3.   Be willing to tolerate the discomfort of change. Write your name with your non-dominant hand. Notice your discomfort and notice how quickly you want to go back to using your dominant hand. Is it any wonder that, no matter what the change, we want to return to the old, comfortable way of doing things as soon as possible?

You may wonder how long the discomfort will last. There’s no way to know. How long did it take before you could walk without falling down? Imagine the consequences of deciding that walking was too uncomfortable so you might as well give it up.

Now imagine how great you’ll feel when life intrudes and you sustain the change in spite of your circumstances.

The “secret” to sustaining change when the applause dies down and life intrudes is no secret at all: Sustaining change requires disciplined practice of the new behavior and, above all, the integrity to keep your word about what you promised to do tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow.

Resolving Conflict Is No Fairy Tale

Imagine John is in a relationship with Mary and John thinks she is quite contrary about how her garden grows. She wants silver bells and cockleshells and pretty maids all in a row. John knows that gardens contain carrots and tomatoes.

In reality, as in every conflict, John and Mary simply have different points of view and points of view are always open to change (want proof? Move two feet to the right of where you’re currently located and you’ll have a different point of view).

But, as in every conflict that lasts more than a few minutes, one person (we’ll focus on John although it could be Mary) is certain he has the truth, not simply a point of view (in a conflict, thinking you have the truth won’t set you free. It will cause the other person to dig in her heels).

To confirm that he has the truth, John gossips about Mary with his neighbor and, because John is a credible source, she agrees that Mary is contrary.

A brief digression: What we call “the truth” is, in many instances, just a belief we’ve accepted because we’ve trusted the source we got it from. When enough people agree with the source, we call that “the truth.”

For example, few people believed that John Edwards was having an affair when the National Enquirer broke the story. But when the New York Times confirmed it, it became a “fact” because the New York Times is, for most people, a credible source. Depending on the credibility we attach to our sources, we do/do not believe in global warming, do/do not believe in evolution and do/do not believe that Elvis is really dead.

This is why gossip can be destructive. If the gossiper is credible to the people hearing the gossip, the gossip becomes the truth whether it is or not and could be harmful to the person being gossiped about.

Now back to our story: John tells Mary he knows he’s right because his neighbor agrees with him and, as “everyone” knows, because it’s “the truth,” gardens do not contain silver bells and cockle shells.

Both John and Mary can get what they want. How about a garden of carrots and a garden of silver bells? How about a row of tomatoes and a row of cockle shells? But, if John is certain he has the truth, which he is sure he does, he will never see these options.

Perhaps, John thinks, it’s not worth the hassle of being in a relationship with Mary. Perhaps they should break up. John certainly can’t be friends with Mary because, if Mary really cared about him, Mary wouldn’t be so contrary. How could John have been so wrong to think Mary might be someone to spend the rest of his life with?   

Far fetched? Change Mary and her garden to anyone you think is difficult to get along with: Joe in the next cubicle, your boss in the next office, a relative or friend you’re no longer speaking to or any relationship where you’re sure you have “the truth.”

Outside the world of fairy tales, people aren’t being contrary. They simply have desires that conflict with ours. We can get our desires fulfilled if we will:

1.   Talk to one another not about one another,

2.   Know that what we call “the truth” is a point of view,

3.   Be open to different points of view and

4.   Seek solutions that take into account our desires and theirs. The word “but” perpetuates the conflict. The word “and” offers the possibility of win-win solutions.

An Inspiring Story of Resiliency and Forgiveness

“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else—you are the one who gets burned.”

                                                   attributed to Buddha

Want a template for resiliency and forgiveness? Or perhaps you could use a shot of inspiration. If so, I urge you to read the book “Unbroken” by Laura Hillenbrand whose previous book was “Seabiscuit.”

“Unbroken” tells the story of Louis Zamperini who,in the 1930s, was a track star in high school in Torrance, California as well as in college at the University of Southern California.  Some thought he would be the first person to run a mile in under 4 minutes.  Zamperini ran the 5,000 meters (a little over three miles) in the 1936 Berlin Olympics. 

In 1942, Zamperini volunteered for the Army Air Force. He was a bombadier and survived a horrific air battle over the Japanese held island of Nauru. 

Several weeks later, he and an 11-member crew crashed in the Pacific while searching for the crew of a downed flight. Three men survived the crash.

The men floated on a raft in the Pacific for 47 days. They subsisted on scarce rainwater, the occasional bird that landed on their raft and the livers from two sharks that they killed using only a pliers (take that “Jaws”).

One of the men, Francis McNamara, died after 37 days. Louis and the other survivor, Russell Phillips who had been the pilot on the doomed flight, floated 2,000 miles to the Japanese controlled Marshall Islands where they were captured and imprisoned.

Survival at sea is only the first part of this harrowing story. For the next two years, Louis and the other prisoners of war were beaten, tortured and starved. Because no one had heard from him in all this time, Louis was declared dead by the war department.

His ordeal as a prisoner of war ended when the atomic bombs were dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki and the Japanese surrendered.

Louis returned home, married and had two children. But his rage at his Japanese captors and, especially, a camp commander named Watanabe, produced horrific nightmares and alcoholism.

At the urging of his wife, Louis attended a revival meeting in Los Angeles led by the young Billy Graham. Remembering a pledge he had made while on the raft at sea to give his life to God if he survived, Louis literally ended his drinking that night and dedicated his life to helping others. His nightmares and his rage never returned.

Perhaps the most amazing scene of all is of Louis returning to the prisoner of war camp in Japan where he had been imprisoned and that now imprisoned the very guards that had tormented him. To their astonishment Louis forgave the guards and even tried to meet with Watanabe to forgive him although Watanabe refused the meeting.

Louis is still alive and is 95 years old.

I encourage you to make a list of the people in your life who have “wronged” you, the people in your life you just “can’t” forgive and the people in your life who you complain about. Let go of your “hot coals” and forgive these people. You may not condone what they did, but I urge you to forgive them. Not for their sake, but for yours.

Want A Great Relationship? Listen Like A Dog

I recently saw a show on PBS as part of their “Independent Lens” series called “We Were There” about the AIDS epidemic especially as it was experienced in San Francisco from 1970 to about 1990.

When the show was over, I called two gay friends to tell them that the show gave me a new, visceral understanding of what they had gone through. Each friend told me he had personally known (either as close friends or acquaintances) over 100 (or more) people who had died during the epidemic.

But my new understanding was still an outsiders understanding. I will never know personally the terror that the epidemic engendered among those who had AIDS and those who were in danger of contracting the disease (which, for awhile, seemed it could be anyone, gay or straight). 

By definition, I have an outsiders understanding of everything that is outside me (practically the entire world) and don’t even always understand what seems to come from inside me. I don’t think I’m alone in this although I don’t know because, as I wrote, you are all outside of me.

The only way I can get even an inkling of what life is like for another is by asking, “What’s life like for you?” and then listening to understand the answer without opinions or judgments.

Which reminds me of a great book called “The Art of Racing In The Rain.” The narrator is a dog named Enzo and, yes, it ends like many (most?) books about dogs (a dead dog in case you’re wondering) although this book ends with a moving twist on that theme.

Enzo’s quest is to become human (a step down on the evolutionary scale?). Enzo reveals why he knows he’d be a good person: “Because I listen. I cannot talk, so I listen very well. I never deflect the course of the conversation with a comment of my own.”

I had an imaginary dog when I was a child and I loved him. Like the four real dogs that have lived with me, he seemed to never judge me, never interrupt me and he never interjected his own opinions.

We get to experience perfect love with our animals, not because they love us (take away the food and who knows if they’d remain) but because we love them unconditionally which allows us to experience unconditional love.

We could extend this lesson to all of life: if we want to experience peace, be peaceful. If we want to avoid conflict, don’t argue. If we want to find perfect love be perfectly loving.

It’s so easy with an animal. Could it be that easy with a person? Perhaps we can follow the advice given in the Tao Te Ching: “If you keep your mind from judging, your heart will find peace.”

 Which kind of brings me back to “We Were There.”