Conflict Resolution Training: Give Up The Need To Be Right and Apologize

Like you, I get a lot of emails. I’m able to delete many of them just by looking at the subject line. However, the other day, I received an email from the company where I order my business cards with the subject line, "Please accept our apology."

I opened the email. In truth, it was just another solicitation, but the word “apology” caught my attention.

Apologies are very powerful. I’ve written about this before and, in response, my friend,

Rick Daussat, wrote to caution me that, “when you apologize to another person, don’t expect or anticipate an apology back. If you do, you are setting yourself up for potential disappointment.”

Rick went on to relate a story of when he apologized to a coworker for something that Rick “still believes was both our faults.” In response, the coworker responded, “Yes, I was disappointed in your actions.” The coworker’s comment angered Rick, but he kept his mouth shut and reminded himself that he was apologizing because it was “the right thing to do and nothing else.”

Rick gave up the need to be right by not expressing his anger and made a huge difference in the relationship.

A man I know has been divorced for 10 years, has two children and argues with his ex wife every time he sees her. He took on giving up the need to be right, called her, apologized and took responsibility for how he had been behaving for the last 10 years.

His ex wife was silent for a long time before responding, “I was prepared to hate you for the rest of my life. What am I going to do now?”

Contrast this with another friend whose son is barely speaking to her. The reason has to do with a disagreement they’ve been having over the son’s daughter (my friend’s granddaughter). Neither will give up being right and simply apologize. When they are in the same room together, they literally avoid looking at each other.

I have told both of them, “Get off it!” If someone doesn’t apologize here, the rest of their lives will be filled with tension and bitterness.  

For the sake of your relationships and your own peace of mind, give up the need to be right and apologize. Give up your need to be right about your anger. Give up your need to be right that other people are wrong. Give up your need to be right that resignation and cynicism are the appropriate responses to conflicts in your world.

Your apology will make a huge contribution towards peace in your world and peace on this planet.   

It's Your Point Of View, It's Not The Truth

If you want a world that works for everyone (and, especially, for you) it’s simple: Stop believing that your point of view is the truth.

In fact, conflict would disappear if people would just get that their point of view is just that: A point from which they view the world. They don’t have to defend this point of view, they don’t have to give up this point of view, they simply have to accept it as a point of view distinct from some inviolate “truth.”

The people who flew those planes into the World Trade Center didn’t think they had a point of view. They believed they had the truth.

The people in Rwanda who committed genocide didn’t think they had a point of view. They believed they had the truth.

The shooter in Tucson, Arizona didn’t think he had a point of view. He believed he had the truth.

I’m using these extreme examples to have you consider this possibility: If you are in a conflict, you don’t think you have a point of view. You believe you have the truth.

The way to distinguish your point of view is to complete this sentence: The world is… or my boyfriend is…or my husband is…or my children are… or my boss is or…

Whether you complete these sentences with “positive” or “negative” words, it’s still just a point of view and not the truth. Your point of view determines the actions you will take. Your point of view determines if you will be loving or hurtful, antagonistic or cooperative, friendly or distant.

For example, consider the possibility that the people in your life who you describe as “difficult,” show up that way because that’s the point of view you hold about them and you hold that as “the truth.” Of course, from their point of view (which they also hold as “the truth,”) you’re the difficult one.

If you have “the truth,” then you must live in a world in which you are right and others are wrong. However, if you will accept that your truth is just your point of view, then the resolution of every conflict in your life becomes possible.