Want Better Relationships? Stop Stealing Other’s Stories

Have you read the book, “The Art Of Racing In The Rain?” The book is narrated by Enzo, a dog whose owner dreams of becoming a racecar driver.

Enzo too dreams of being a racecar driver. He wants to be reincarnated as a human because then he would have thumbs and be able to grip a steering wheel (is going from a dog to a human a step down or up?).

At one point, Enzo explains that he would make a good human being because he listens. Since he can’t talk, he listens very well, never making a comment of his own.

Enzo’s advice to human beings is to “Learn to listen! I beg of you. Pretend you are a dog like me and listen to other people rather than steal their stories."

By “steal their stories,” Enzo is suggesting something close to giving up the need to be right and to just listen without trying to change the other person, without giving an opinion and without offering advice (unless asked and perhaps not even then). In other words, listening without letting the desire to look good get in the way.

Some of the flavor of this is contained in an article Jennifer Boylan wrote for the New York Times on August 17^th, 2011 (“All My Old Haunts”).

Boylan writes about her father who, although deceased, would have had an answer to how to bridge the gap between Republicans and Democrats in the recent debt ceiling debate. If the goal is to reduce 4 billion dollars from the budget (a number Boylan uses in her article), he would have had the Republicans be responsible for 2 billion dollars of tax increases and the Democrats responsible for 2 billion dollars through cuts in services and entitlements.

As Boylan suggests her father would have said, “Only when you try to argue your opponents’ point of view does your own begin to make sense.”

Good advice. The next time you’re in a debate, imagine that you have to explain your opponent’s position to a stranger and do it so well that your opponent would agree you’ve been accurate in your explanation. 

This assumes, of course, that you’re not out to steal your opponent’s stories.

And finally, just to be sure we don’t take ourselves too seriously, scientists for the first time say that they have witnessed a black hole swallowing a distant star. The event took place about 3.9 billion years ago in a distant galaxy in the constellation Draco, but radiation from the blast has just reached earth.

Perhaps in the shadow of a star that died 3.9 billion years ago, we can let go of our need to be right.

Transforming Fear Into Excitement

When it comes to dealing with our fears of failing, sticks and stones may break our bones but words will really destroy us.

I broke my leg when I was 17 and it healed before I turned 18. I’ve had no adverse effects from that break.

On the other hand, what we say to ourselves can destroy our ability to achieve our goals and we may believe what we say to ourselves forever.

Imagine, for example, you’re about to pick up the phone and call someone for a date. You may notice that your heart is beating wildly, your palms are sweating and your muscles are tense. This is real fear, you may think.

Or imagine you’re about to talk to a roomful of strangers. Your heart may beat faster, your mouth may feel dry and your palms may sweat. If you could sense it, you might experience your blood pressure increasing, your muscles tensing and your breathing becoming shallow. This is real fear, you may think.

Or is it? Actually, we would experience the same physiological response if we were excited. For example, whether being on a roller coaster is fearful or exciting for us depends on how we label the experience. Two people doing the same activity may have totally different experiences based on what they call their experience.

Recently, a friend told me that he had always wanted to start his own business, but he was afraid of failing. How does he know it’s fear and not excitement?  Consider the possibility that it becomes fear when we label it as such and it’s the labeling that creates the experience, not the other way around.

The other day, I spoke to the Board of a nonprofit organization that was looking for ways to raise half a million dollars when, up until then, they had never raised more than 50,000. In order to do that, the members of the Board were going to have to be a lot bolder in their requests. They were going to have to call people they had never called before and they were going to have to ask those people for more money than they had ever asked before.

However several members of the Board told me (privately. They were afraid to admit so publicly.) that they were afraid to do so. How do they know it’s fear and not excitement? Consider the possibility that it becomes fear when we label it as such and it’s the labeling that creates the experience, not the other way around.

“Fear of failure” is brought into existence when we label what we’re feeling as fear. We call it fear and it is so. After all, “In the beginning was The Word.”

Don’t try to control you fear. That which we resist persists. Don’t try to change your fear. You will never “heal” your fear as you might heal a broken bone. Your fear isn’t real and that’s why you can’t “heal” it.

Give up expecting that, someday, your fear will disappear. Just get into action. Pick up that phone and make the call you’re avoiding. Ask for what you want. Be excited about delivering a presentation.