Bringing Peace To Violence

Aqueela Sherrils is identified in the movie “Thrive” (available on DVD only) as the “coarchitect of the truce between the Crips and the Bloods in Los Angeles in 1992.” I didn’t know there had been a truce or even if it’s still holding, but I was happy to hear that there had been one. Any reduction in violence in this world is good for all of us.

This truce didn’t occur because Sherrils and others taught the combatants the 7 steps for resolving conflict. The truce occurred because there was a transformation in thinking. Until the parties to a conflict are willing to say, “enough,” no resolution will occur regardless of how versed people are in the 7 (or 3 or 10 or 17) steps.

In the movie, Sherrils is quoted as saying that conflict is healthy. It’s the way we allow for differences to emerge and it’s our differences that create the opportunity to learn from one another. No differences, no learning. No learning, no survival of the species.

Sherrils goes on to note, however, that “Unresolved conflict leads to violence.”

Some of us have our own variation of the Crips and Bloods battle. Usually it doesn’t escalate to physical violence. Usually it‘s a subtle kind of violence that people do to one another day in and day out.

It may be the violence that leads to families that are little more than armed camps, with the members of the various “camps” barely speaking to one another.

It may be the violence between parents and children who no longer listen to one another.

It may be the violence that leads to a loss of vitality when one fears honestly expressing oneself. 

It may be the violence of the workplace in which a boss, coworker or employee demoralizes those with whom he/she works.

But whether conflict leads to the violence of a quick death or the violence of the slow death of a relationship, no system for resolving conflict will make a difference unless there’s a transformation in thinking. Without a transformation, we are doomed to repeat the cycle of violence endlessly.

Here are some ideas about the kind of thinking that will make a difference:

1.   The internal monologue in our heads that tells us “this is the way the world is” will, for the most part, not help us to improve our relationships. That voice is designed to help us survive, not thrive. Survival too often means “keep doing what we’re doing” because what we’ve been doing has led to our survival. That voice comes from our past. That voice does not help us to solve new problems in the present or create a new future free from the constraints of the past. That internal voice can only tell us how problems were solved in the past which is fine if we live in the past. You may notice that we don’t (except in our memories).

2.   Responsibility for the success of relationships isn’t 50/50. It’s  100%/0. Have you noticed that you’re the common denominator in all of your relationships both when those relationships are working and when they are not?

3.   Listen without arguing to the feedback you get and especially the feedback you disagree with. What you’re being told is your access to great relationships. The feedback you hear may be a blind spot for you that may save your relationships if not your life. Blind spots cause accidents. Eliminating blind spots improves our vision.

4.   Give up believing that you are justified in being angry. Make up reasons (which is what justification actually is) to be loving instead.

5.   Continually forgive. Not condone, just forgive. Stop drinking arsenic and expecting the other person to die.

None of us are to blame for our way of thinking. Indeed, for the most part, our way of thinking isn’t actually our way of thinking. It’s how our ancestors thought. For example, if you are a man, you inherited certain ways of thinking that are common to men. If you’re a woman, you inherited thoughts that women generally think. These thoughts are evolving, but they are still inherited and aren’t original to us.

If we are to thrive, we have to invent new ways of thinking. When our way of thinking doesn’t work for us, we need to thank our ancestors for their help, but let them know, gently, that we plan to choose a way of thinking that brings peace to violence.