Turn An Argument Into A Negotiation

If you're ever in a conflict and you can't see a way out, it's probable that you are in the world of wants rather than the world of needs. I maintain that conflict resolution is easy: find out what people need and, if you can/are willing to, give them what they need.

Or, as the Rolling Stones sang, "You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometime, you just might find, you get what you need."

Let me distinguish wants and needs.

If you’re ever arguing and not arriving at an agreement, it’s a good bet you’re in the world of wants. People argue over wants because this world is one of limited resources such as people, money and/or time. In this world, there is a winner and a loser because there’s a limit to how much money, time and people are available. In this world, the person who has the “power” (usually due to authority but sometimes due to who can scream the loudest or pout the longest) will get what he/she wants and the others will be left with whatever is left over. It’s a prescription for dissatisfaction and resentment.

For example, if a couple has only one car and both want it, there will be trouble unless one party gives in to the other. In this case, the person who gives in may be resentful (against such small rocks do marriages crack).

The world of needs, on the other hand, is a world of almost unlimited possibilities. While people will argue in the world of wants, they will negotiate in the world of needs because they perceive that there are multiple ways to get their needs met.

For example, let us heal that couple's relationship by noting that, while both people want the car, neither of them actually needs it. 

If you’re arguing and not getting anywhere, ask the question, “Why is that important to you?” to get at the underlying need. For example asking, "Why do you need the car?" will yield the obvious answer "To get to (somewhere)" and, of course, while there is only one car, there are multiple ways "to get somewhere."

Whatever the conflict is about, if you reach an impasse, simply ask, "Why is that important to you?": "Why is getting that money important to you?" Why is being right so important to you." "Why is arguing important to you?"

The answer will always represent what the person needs. The conversation then shifts to the myriad ways needs might be met versus arguing over whose wants are more important.

Of course, if the person will only be satisfied by getting what he/she wants, that person is in a "take it or leave it position" which is not even worth talking about because you only have two choices: Take it or leave it. And, yes, you may choose to leave the relationship.

Finally, it’s important to remember that the most effective influencers are open to being influenced. While it may be easy to blame the other person, at every moment, you must be willing to admit that it may be you and not the other person who is arguing over what you want versus negotiating over what you really need.