A Conflict Resolution Formula

George Mitchell is the former Senator from Maine, special envoy to the Middle East for the Obama administration, former Senate majority leader and one time chairman of Disney. Senator Mitchell chaired the negotiations that led to the peace agreement in Northern Ireland in 1998.

Appearing on the Charlie Rose show on PBS, Senator Mitchell revealed how he was able to broker the Northern Ireland agreement. He noted that he "got the parties to listen to the other side. Don't walk out. Don't dismiss it. Don't think of something else. Without that, nothing would happen."

I can't think of a better formula for resolving conflict, but I'm sure you already know that listening is the key to conflict resolution. If so, you probably think you are listening but the other person isn't and you're wondering what to do to get that person to listen to you.

I obviously don't know your specific situation, so I'll have to speak generally and, if you wish, write me with your questions and/or comments.

The following will test just how good a listener you are. As you read, see if you can listen to me without "walking out" (that is, stop reading), "dismiss it" (that is, fail to keep an open mind) and/or "doing something else" (reading the entire piece before checking email, etc.).

Here goes:

1.   If people won't listen to us, we are giving them reason to think it will do no good to listen. If people are being defensive with us, we're giving them reason to think there is something they have to defend. If people are hostile, we're giving them reason to believe they have to be (perhaps because we're not listening to them).

2.   We're the reason the conflict still exists if we've violated Senator Mitchell's formula by walking out, dismissing the other person's ideas, thinking of something else or (adding to the what the Senator said) blaming the other person for the conflict.

3.   We have to see the conflict from the other person' perspective. To the other person, we're the problem. We're being difficult. We're not listening. We're hard to get along with. Accept this and listen to find out what we need to do to not be so difficult to get along with.

4.   If the conflict has been going on for longer than 15 minutes, we're no longer arguing about the issue that started the conflict. What has entered the picture are our memories of all the past hurts and injustices that we believe the other person has inflicted on us and we're now interested in getting even, not resolving the conflict. The same thing that perpetuates wars between countries perpetuates interpersonal wars.

5.   All of the above, while perhaps counter to our beliefs, suggests we're more in control of resolving conflict than we think we are. Or, put another way, our ability to control the outcome of a conflict is correlated with what we think.