Conflict Resolution Training: The Most Important Question To Ask

Discovering what people need is critical to resolving a conflict because conflict resolution is easy: Find out what people need and give it to them. You can discover what people need by asking one simple and vitally important question: “Why is that important to you?”

Whenever someone says to you, “I want…” ask “Why is that important to you?” Their answer will be their need.

At that point, if you choose to not give others what they need (assuming you are in a position to do so), you are the one who is keeping the conflict going, not the other person.

I was reminded of this lesson when reading a recent story about the Titanic, the ship that sank in 1912.

In the August 22^nd, 2010 New York Times, there was a story called, “In New Approach to Titanic, An Exhibitor Aids Scientists.” The story was about the conflict between archaeologists who want the site left untouched as a memorial and the company, R.M.S. Titanic, that has removed over 4,000 artifacts from the site and wants to continue doing so.

This dispute has been going on in the courts for 17 years. R.M.S. Titanic has been arguing that they should either be granted ownership of the artifacts or be compensated for salvaging them. Archaeologists have fought to stop further salvaging until the entire site can be studied.

What ended the 17-year-old quarrel? The leaders of R.M.S. Titanic asked the archaeologists “Why is stopping our salvaging operation important to you?” and discovered that mapping the wreckage site was the scientific community’s number one priority, not depriving the company of profits from their salvaging operations.

Reading this you may think, “Duh. How obvious.” But wait a minute. How many of your conflicts have been going on for a while with friends, loved ones and business associates. Are their family members you don’t talk to? Business associates you’ve given up on? People from the opposite political party whose opinions cause your blood to boil? How many years have you been engaged in these conflicts without resolution?

All of these conflicts exist because of a failure to ask the most obvious question: “Why is that important to you?” Conflicts continue because instead of asking this simple question, people assume that the other side is just being unreasonable while “our” side is the very definition of reason.

When R.M.S. Titianic asked that question of the scientific community (after 17 years of litigation!) they were able to move forward.

Who knows what you’ll discover when you ask that question. But if you don’t ask it, consider the possibility that you are more committed to being in conflict than to resolving it.