Conflict resolution is easy: Find out what people need and if you can and/or are willing to, give them what they need. How do you find out what people need? You listen, paraphrase and ask the question, “Why is that important to you?”
As you’re listening, there are three nonverbal behaviors that will help you to build rapport and reduce the emotional intensity of any conflict:
1. Mirror the other person’s body posture and position.
To build rapport with another person, it’s important to let her (him) know that you understand her position from her perspective. You can do this by verbally paraphrasing what she is saying and nonverbally assuming her physical position.
For example, if the other person is standing, stand. If the other person is s sitting, sit. If he (she) is resting his hands on top of the table, do so as well. If he is crossing his right leg over his left leg, cross yours in the same way. When he shifts to a different position, gradually shift to assume that same position.
The key is to move gradually and subtly. Don’t shift to mirror another’s body posture and position immediately after she (he) moves. Wait a few seconds and then gradually adjust your body posture and position to mirror hers. Your intent is not to manipulate but to build rapport so that the conversation flows smoothly. Mirroring sends an unconscious message that you are not a threat to the other person.
If you doubt the validity of mirroring, watch a drama or comedy on television with the sound off. You will be able to tell when the characters are in rapport and when they are not just by observing their body language. When they are in rapport, you will notice that their body postures and positions mirror one another.
2. Be physically close to the other person
Physical closeness encourages psychological closeness.
If you want to nonverbally communicate, “I’m on your side,” sit or stand beside that person. If you’re in your office, come out from behind your desk and sit or stand near the other person. If you’re in a restaurant, sit at right angles to the other person, not across the table.
The way to determine how close you should get to the other person is to notice what she (he) does when she shakes your hand. Some people extend their entire arm stiffly as though they want you to keep your distance. Others bend their elbow, as they shake as though to draw you closer. Never get closer than the length of a handshake.
3. If the disagreement gets heated, don’t mirror but align your body with the other person.
Sit or stand facing in the same direction without making eye contact. During heated discussions, direct eye contact can be perceived as a threat (watch two dogs that are about to fight. They are glowering at each other.). You’ll be surprised to find the disagreement cooling down. This is because at a nonverbal level, you’re indicating your desire to remain in contact even though the other person’s verbal behavior suggests a desire to break away.
Alignment can be uncomfortable for you because, if the other person is angry, the tendency is to want to back away. But try alignment and watch the intensity of the confrontation diminish.
Be subtle as you use these techniques. If you are obvious, the other person is likely to feel manipulated. The intention of these three techniques is not to manipulate the other person but to create a relationship in which a win-win resolution to the conflict is possible.
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