I'm Right, You're Wrong, Case Closed

My wife and I were arguing about who works harder and is busier. What began as a disagreement about who should walk the dog became a general “discussion” of who did more.

I had just finished writing an article about bullying and I suddenly realized that I was bullying my wife. I didn’t think of myself as a bully. I was simply being “assertive.” Then I realized how right I had to be in the argument and how similar I was to the bullies I was writing about.

I never thought of myself as a bully. I had always distanced myself by feeling superior to the school yard bullies I read about or the abusive bosses colleagues told me about or the stories I had heard from the battered wives at a woman’s shelter I had visited.

Coincidentally, on the same day, I heard an interview with Ken Ballen, the author of a book with the attention getting title, “Terrorists In Love.” The subtitle is “The Real Lives Of Islamic Radicals.” Ballen is a former Federal prosecutor, who spent five years trying to figure out what motivates Islamic extremists.

Ballen was asked whether, after spending so much time with these extremists, there was ever a point where their ideas made sense.

He responded that, within their belief system, what they are doing makes sense to them. He added, “They don’t see themselves as evil at all. They see themselves as saintly, not evil and they feel like they’re doing the right thing.”

Ballen’s comment impacted me personally.

I don’t think of myself as saintly (well, maybe I do) and I certainly don’t think of myself as evil (at least to myself). But for sure, when I have a conflict, I just know that I’m right.

Does this remind you of some of the “terrorists” in your life? Someone who is obstinate, opinionated, inflexible, insensitive and apparently determined to remain that way because they are in the right, “saintly, not evil.”

Could this be you, me and everyone else we know?

Just when I think I can blame someone else for not seeing what’s right, true and just, along comes someone like Ballen to remind me that, to the “bullies” in my life, I’m the bully. They must look at me and wonder, “How can he be so wrong?”

Ballen maintains that a completely militaristic response to ideas and beliefs will not defeat them. He asserts that they’ll simply continue to push harder for those ideas and beliefs.

Again, this fits with my experience. The harder I try to convince my wife (or anyone) that I’m right, the more resistant she becomes. No one wants to be a push over.

Tim Flannery, the author of “Here On Earth“ noted that, “We have trod the face of the Moon, touched the nethermost pit of the sea, and can link minds instantaneously across vast distances. But for all that, it’s what we believe that will determines our fate.”

So I suggest that an examination of our beliefs is in order. In a conflict, I guarantee that the root of the conflict is a belief that you’re right and the other person is wrong.

If you have this belief, consider the possibility that you’re wrong about that.

Of course, I may be wrong about that as well. To believe otherwise is to be a bully.