A Position That Doesn't Have To Be Defended Is Most Open To Change

"Above all, he learned how to listen, with a still heart, with a waiting, open soul, without passion, without desire, without judgment, without opinions."

         Hermann Hesse Siddhartha

Siddhartha is the story of a man finding enlightenment when he gives up trying to find it and just listens to the world around him. The story parallels the life of Buddha but is not intended as a recreation of Buddha's life.

I love the "Siddartha" quote because I believe it is a brilliant prescription for conflict resolution, both the conflict within ourselves (when we try, through an act of will, to change ourselves) and the conflicts we have with other people (in which we try and change them).

Hesse is suggesting that the very act of trying to change others (and ourselves) produces resistance to change and that, paradoxically, giving up trying to change others (and ourselves) is what makes change possible.

These thoughts were inspired by a story from the September 4th, 2012 issue of "The Daily Good," an online blog. The article was first published in the Harvard Business Review and was written by Peter Bregman, CEO of Bregman Partners, a "global management consulting firm."

The story Bregman tells doesn't appear to be about a conflict, but it is.

Conflict is, by definition, a disagreement. Basically, conflict exists because one person, one group, one nation wants another person, group or nation to change and encounters resistance.

That's what happens in the story Bregman tells.

Bregman writes about visiting some friends whose 9-year old daughter had just returned home from a swim meet where she had been disqualified for a "false start" (that is, leaping into the water before the starting gun had been fired). The girl was close to tears.

The parents tried to change their daughter's perception by telling her that the false start indicated she was really trying hard to win, that every swimmer at some point is disqualified for a false start and that she'd have many more chances to win at other swim meets that year and in the years to come.

The parents' words did nothing to change their daughter's despair.

Just then, the girl's grandmother entered the room, sat beside the girl, put her arm around her and said nothing. The girl put her head on her grandmother's shoulder. After a few moments of silence, the grandmother said, "I know how hard you work at this, honey. It's sad to get disqualified."

After a few more moments of silence, the girl got up, wiped her tears and said, "Thanks, Mimi" (her grandmother's name).

Notice that the granddaughter changed when the grandmother didn't try to change her but simply validated the girl's experience ("It's sad to get disqualified.") and just listened.

Why does not trying to change produce change?

Consider: from the moment we leave the womb, someone is trying to change us. Our parents, our teachers, our friends, our coworkers, our bosses and the advertisements we read and see are all on a mission to influence us to change (I'm not judging whether the changes are for the worse or for the better).

Is it any wonder then that we are distrustful of those who seem to want us to change? What we may hear under the surface of every conflict is, "There's something wrong here, perhaps with you" and that,"I can fix you if you just do what I tell you to do."

But suppose, instead, we just listened as Siddartha did, as Mimi did, not to change but to understand? There would be no reason to be defensive because there would be nothing we'd feel the need to defend.

When in a conflict, listening "with a still heart, with a waiting, open soul, without passion, without desire, without judgment, without opinions" will produce change in us and others because, as someone once suggested to me, a position that doesn't have to be defended is most open to change.

You can read Peter Bregman's article here.