How To Transform A Difficult Person

I was coaching Jennifer, a special education teacher in an elementary school, who contacted me just prior to school starting on September 4th. She had read my book on resolving conflict and wanted some help.

Jennifer was worried because she knew she would be seeing Miranda, a coworker on the team of teachers who worked with the special education kids. Miranda had more experience than Jennifer but wasn't Jennifer's supervisor.

As school was ending last June, Miranda had shocked Jennifer when, completely out of the blue and with a threatening tone of voice, she had attacked Jennifer's teaching methods, telling her that the way she interacted with the kids was doing more harm than good. Jennifer was furious but was too stunned to say anything.

Jennifer remained furious all summer. She told me she wanted to give up her need to be right about Miranda (which I advise people to do) and just listen to understand Miranda's opinion in the hope of learning something, but Jennifer was too angry and judgmental to do so.

Further, she was afraid to confront Miranda because, "I'm not a courageous person. My brain turns to mush and I just don't know what to say." 

Here's what I said to Jennifer:

1.   1. You have plenty of courage. Being courageous means that you act in spite of your fear, not in the absence of fear.

2.  2. Giving up the need to be right has nothing to do with giving up being judgmental and angry. Of course, you're judgmental and angry. Don't try and change your feelings. You can't. If I were in your shoes, I would be angry and judgmental. However, you can feel angry and judgmental and not act that way. This may seem phony to you, but part of giving up the need to be right is to not return anger with anger After all, if you don't listen to Miranda, why should she listen to you?

3.  3. Because you're worried about your brain turning to "mush," I recommend you write down and practice what you want to say to Miranda. I suggest you bring that piece of paper with you and preface what you're going to say with, "I'm nervous and I wanted to be sure and say this to you in the way that I want to say it. So I'm going to read this."

af   4. After explaining why you're reading what you wrote, I suggest you say something like this: "First, I want to tell you what a great job you do with the kids. I know there's a lot I can learn from you. However, when you spoke to me as you did, I shut down because the way you said it made it difficult for me to listen. I want to hear what you have to say. I request that when you have something to say to me you say it with a calm tone of voice so that I can hear you without getting defensive. Will you do that?"

 Always end your request with "Will you?" not "Could you?" "Would you? " "Can you?" or any similar variation.

 After asking, "Will you?" stop talking and just listen. If Miranda hesitates before responding, do not fill the silence. Just wait for her to talk.

5. When Miranda does talk, do not give your opinion until Miranda knows that she has been fully understood by you. Do this by paraphrasing and asking questions. Your goal is to understand Miranda so well that you could explain her position to a stranger and Miranda would agree that she has been well represented by you.

I spoke to Jennifer several days after school had started and she was ecstatic because her conversation with Miranda had gone spectacularly well. They had cleared the air and created agreements for how they would communicate in the future.

Jennifer had, indeed, written down and read what she wrote. Jennifer was especially glad that she had begun by "thanking her (Miranda) for meeting with me and telling her how much I admired her." Jennifer could see that Miranda, who had appeared defensive, relaxed her shoulders.

When Miranda responded, Jennifer told me she did listen even though "I had to bite my tongue to keep from jumping in with my opinion."

When Jennifer gave up her need to be right and listened, Miranda reciprocated (which often happens) and admitted that she wasn't "very good at this relationship thing" and revealed some things that had happened to her in childhood that had caused her to be the way she was. The conversation ended with Miranda apologizing and promising to behave differently.

As they parted, Miranda, who had previously stated she wasn't comfortable with the "touchy feely stuff," hugged Jennifer.

This situation is, of course, different than circumstances in your life. However, this is a good template for how to transform a difficult person in any circumstance.