Change Is The Easy Part. Then Comes Life

 “Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?”

title of a song by Carole King

Carole King’s plaintive question is really one that might be asked by anyone who is uncertain about how long love will last. Similarly, anyone who wants to maintain weight loss, stop smoking forever, quit drinking permanently or exercise regularly might also be wondering if they can sustain their commitment.

It’s a question participants in my seminars are continually confronted with. Will the change they’ve made in the classroom be the change they sustain at home and at work?

It’s a question that anyone might ask about any situation where they have taken on some new behavior and wonder if they’ll be able to sustain that new behavior tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow.

A drug addict framed this dilemma succinctly. Well, actually, a drug addict on television.

I was watching reruns of a show called “The Wire.” The first season (which is all I’ve seen) is about cops chasing drug dealers.

In one scene, a drug addict who attended his first Narcotics Anonymous meeting later runs into a man who spoke at the meeting and who had been off drugs for 3 months. The addict mentions how hard it is to stay off drugs and the man responds, “Getting clean is the easy part. Then comes life.”

Exactly. When we first change our behavior, we receive lots of accolades. Anyone who has ever lost weight, stopped smoking or given up drinking knows what I mean.

Then comes life where, day after day, that new behavior has to be sustained. Life is what happens after the applause goes away.

When I coach people in seminars to listen rather than command, I notice that they become really good listeners in the classroom where I and the other participants cheer them on.

Then comes life in which they have to listen to family and friends at home and team members at work who may have very different points of view. 

So how can any of us be sure we’ll sustain the change we’ve committed to after the applause dies down?

Here are 4 steps that will make a difference:

1.   Practice integrity. A key reason you may not sustain change is that you don’t trust yourself to do so. Perhaps you’ve tried to change in the past, failed to sustain the change and now you’re afraid you’ll fail again. You have to learn that you can trust yourself to be bigger than your circumstances when life intrudes. The more you honor your word in the present the more you will trust that you can do so in the future. Practice doing what you said you’d do whether you feel like it or not. Be on time for appointments. Make that phone call when you said you would. If you promised you’d be somewhere, be there when you said you would.

1.   Declare publicly (to at least three people) the change you are committing to. The signers of the Declaration of Independence mutually pledged to each other “our Lives, our Fortunes, and our sacred Honor.” The signers knew that pledging their “sacred Honor” to each other would strengthen their commitment to independence.

Pledge your independence from your previous behavior to at least three people. If these are people who are committed to the same change as you, all the better. 

2.   Ask at least one of the people to whom you made your “declaration of independence” to hold you accountable for your new behavior until it is a habit. That’s the “secret” behind Weight Watchers, any 12-step program and, indeed, any behavior change. Select someone who won’t give up when you get angry at them for holding you accountable (it’s likely you will get angry. Few people like to be held accountable). 

3.   Be willing to tolerate the discomfort of change. Write your name with your non-dominant hand. Notice your discomfort and notice how quickly you want to go back to using your dominant hand. Is it any wonder that, no matter what the change, we want to return to the old, comfortable way of doing things as soon as possible?

You may wonder how long the discomfort will last. There’s no way to know. How long did it take before you could walk without falling down? Imagine the consequences of deciding that walking was too uncomfortable so you might as well give it up.

Now imagine how great you’ll feel when life intrudes and you sustain the change in spite of your circumstances.

The “secret” to sustaining change when the applause dies down and life intrudes is no secret at all: Sustaining change requires disciplined practice of the new behavior and, above all, the integrity to keep your word about what you promised to do tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow.