Want A Great Relationship? Listen Like A Dog

I recently saw a show on PBS as part of their “Independent Lens” series called “We Were There” about the AIDS epidemic especially as it was experienced in San Francisco from 1970 to about 1990.

When the show was over, I called two gay friends to tell them that the show gave me a new, visceral understanding of what they had gone through. Each friend told me he had personally known (either as close friends or acquaintances) over 100 (or more) people who had died during the epidemic.

But my new understanding was still an outsiders understanding. I will never know personally the terror that the epidemic engendered among those who had AIDS and those who were in danger of contracting the disease (which, for awhile, seemed it could be anyone, gay or straight). 

By definition, I have an outsiders understanding of everything that is outside me (practically the entire world) and don’t even always understand what seems to come from inside me. I don’t think I’m alone in this although I don’t know because, as I wrote, you are all outside of me.

The only way I can get even an inkling of what life is like for another is by asking, “What’s life like for you?” and then listening to understand the answer without opinions or judgments.

Which reminds me of a great book called “The Art of Racing In The Rain.” The narrator is a dog named Enzo and, yes, it ends like many (most?) books about dogs (a dead dog in case you’re wondering) although this book ends with a moving twist on that theme.

Enzo’s quest is to become human (a step down on the evolutionary scale?). Enzo reveals why he knows he’d be a good person: “Because I listen. I cannot talk, so I listen very well. I never deflect the course of the conversation with a comment of my own.”

I had an imaginary dog when I was a child and I loved him. Like the four real dogs that have lived with me, he seemed to never judge me, never interrupt me and he never interjected his own opinions.

We get to experience perfect love with our animals, not because they love us (take away the food and who knows if they’d remain) but because we love them unconditionally which allows us to experience unconditional love.

We could extend this lesson to all of life: if we want to experience peace, be peaceful. If we want to avoid conflict, don’t argue. If we want to find perfect love be perfectly loving.

It’s so easy with an animal. Could it be that easy with a person? Perhaps we can follow the advice given in the Tao Te Ching: “If you keep your mind from judging, your heart will find peace.”

 Which kind of brings me back to “We Were There.”